Human relationships are complex and nuanced, and sometimes we find ourselves in the paradoxical situation of being unable to let go of relationships that not only do not contribute to our happiness but also emotionally exhaust us.
Throughout life, we encounter a diverse array of people, some having a profound impact on our personal and emotional development. Some inspire and support us, while others cast a shadow over our existence.
Learning to distance ourselves and free ourselves from people who do not offer us the love and support we need can be a complex and often painful process, but doing so allows us to focus on our personal development and build a future based on self-respect and appreciation.
Why is it hard?
One of the fundamental reasons is the fear of loneliness. Loneliness is not just an "empty" space; it is a space where we confront ourselves, our thoughts, and our emotions, our inner voids that we might prefer to ignore. For many, this prospect is more frightening than staying in an unsatisfying relationship. Loneliness is often stigmatized, associated with personal failure or an inability to be loved, which can amplify the dependence on a dysfunctional relationship.
On the other hand, hope also plays a significant role in the difficulty of letting go. We hope that maybe one day the person will change and offer us the love we so deeply desire. This hope can be so strong that it eclipses the reality of the current situation and keeps us stuck in unhealthy relationships. It can be reinforced by sporadic moments when the partner shows affection or attention, giving rise to a vicious cycle of waiting and disappointment.
Additionally, if we have invested time, effort, and feelings into a relationship, it can be extremely difficult to accept that these resources have been spent in vain. Thus, we continue to invest in the relationship, hoping that the situation will improve, even though objectively there are no signs indicating a positive change.
Often, it is easier to deny reality than to face the difficulty of a breakup. Denial can serve as a defense mechanism to avoid immediate suffering, but in the long run, it perpetuates unhappiness.
Cultural and social influences can significantly impact our decisions. The society we live in shapes our perceptions of what it means to be in a relationship and, by extension, what it means to be alone. There is enormous pressure to form and maintain relationships, even when they are not happy or healthy. This feeling is amplified by the pressure to "fix" something perceived as "broken." Accepting abuse, making numerous compromises and sacrifices, turning a blind eye, and tolerating what cannot be tolerated to "save" your relationship or "make things right." Additionally, there is a stigmatization of relational "failure," a kind of stain on our public image. Thus, many people, out of fear of social judgment, prefer to stay in dysfunctional and toxic relationships instead of giving themselves a chance for a new beginning.
Self-esteem plays a crucial role in how we manage our relationships. People with low self-esteem may struggle to believe that they deserve love and respect and, therefore, may tolerate behaviors that are not beneficial to them. They may interpret sporadic attention as validation, even when it is inconsistent and insincere.
Personal values and beliefs also play an important role in the difficulty of distancing ourselves from certain people, even if they are toxic. For some, commitment and loyalty are fundamental values, and the idea of "abandoning" someone, even when not offered the love or respect due, may seem unacceptable.
Emotionally, the process of letting go of someone can be extremely painful. It is a process of grieving, in which we have to say goodbye to the hopes, dreams, and plans we have built together with that person. Grief can be so intense that it makes us avoid making the decision to let go, to avoid the associated pain.
Besides these reasons, there is also a psychological complexity that binds us to people who do not love us but whom we want in our lives. Often, these relationships reflect unmet needs from our childhood or dysfunctional attachment patterns.
Early relationships with our parents or caregivers contribute to our attachment style, influencing our behaviors in adult relationships. For example, people with an anxious attachment style may tend to be excessively dependent on their partner, often interpreting the lack of affection as an alarm signal, which makes them cling even more to the relationship despite the obvious lack of reciprocity.
In a way, we unconsciously try to repair past relationships or seek the validation we did not receive. Thus, often without realizing it, we seek partners who reflect the parental dynamic we are familiar with. This may mean choosing partners who cannot offer us the love we need, because this pattern of relating is familiar to us and, in a strange way, comfortable.
Other times it is about forming a trauma bond - emotional/physical/sexual abuse followed by intermittent rewards. The victim remains attached, through these rewards, to the very source of their pain, because the hand that hits is the same hand that caresses or "you hurt me and you are also the only one capable of soothing my pain."
What to do?
Recognizing the situation/recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship – toxic relationships, characterized by a lack of support, emotional manipulation, or abusive behavior, can deeply affect our self-esteem and perception of our own worth. Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship is the first step towards liberation. These signs can include constant feelings of unhappiness, lack of respect, contempt, control, constant suspicions, a lack of a solid base of trust between partners, emotional dependence, neglect of personal needs, various forms of abuse (emotional, psychological, physical: insults, slander, attitudes and behaviors that devalue and humiliate, etc.). Freeing ourselves from these relationships represents an act of self-respect and an important step in regaining confidence in our own strengths.
Freeing ourselves from the "clutches" of toxic relationships requires courage and determination. It is essential to set healthy limits and boundaries and learn to say "no" to situations and people who harm us. During this transition period, the support of a psychotherapist can be extremely valuable, offering us new perspectives and emotional support.
Letting go of unhealthy relationships or those that have hurt us paves the way to building a future where appreciation, love, and self-respect are the pillars on which all our decisions rest. Self-love does not mean selfishness but is the expression of sincere appreciation and deep respect for oneself. This motivates us to establish healthy boundaries and express our needs and desires without hesitation. This journey of self-discovery allows us to embrace our true essence and value every aspect of our existence. We learn to prioritize our own needs and aspirations, to attract healthy relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.
Freeing ourselves from the wrong people for us is essentially a path to recognizing our own value and building a life where we are true to ourselves and our principles. It is a sign that we have grown, learning to live our lives in the light of our own love and acceptance.
Dr. Ursula Sandner