People long to love and be loved, and the "ideal space" where they can fulfill these desires is, at least in theory, a romantic relationship. However, many relationships are tumultuous, conflict-ridden, and can leave us drained or even in despair.
A romantic relationship should ideally be a space where we can express ourselves fully, feel accepted for who we truly are, without the need to wear masks. It should be a space where we have the opportunity to create together a deep, intimate, and honest bond that contributes to our well-being and personal growth.
Often, we forget to pay attention to the everyday moments that, step by step, shape the destiny of our relationship. We may assume that once we marry, have children, or vow eternal love, our partner is "ours forever," and we think there's no longer a need to make genuine efforts to maintain the relationship. We come to take for granted everything our partner does for us and forget to appreciate and be grateful for what we experience.
If the relationship begins to deteriorate, ceases to be the "honeymoon phase" of the early days, undergoes changes, or reveals that it was never what we imagined (as we may have been lost in unrealistic expectations and projections), we suffer. We carry that pain with us for months, years, or even decades, resigning ourselves to the belief that "there's nothing we can do," as if the state of the relationship was not co-created. We remain trapped in limiting beliefs, lose trust in the possibility of living differently, and deprive ourselves of the chance to feel fulfilled in this area of our lives.
What seems like an overwhelmingly complex problem can actually become simple if we approach it consciously and rationally, perceiving it realistically, exactly as it is. Solutions are always available. However, what often stops us from seeing these solutions is that we remain stuck in a vicious cycle of cognitive distortions and negative emotions. We focus on the problem, overanalyze it, recall past events that trigger further negative feelings, and become sad or angry when we notice that our expectations do not align with reality. As a result, we distort reality in the hope that, somehow, it will magically conform to our expectations.
Relationships can become complicated and cause us pain when...
We carry unresolved inner wounds or unmet needs - these are often wounds we’ve repressed, ignored, or failed to address, expecting - whether consciously or unconsciously - that our partner will “heal” them for us. It’s as though we expect to be rescued from ourselves, believing our happiness depends on someone else. This unrealistic belief makes us think that a relationship is the only path to happiness, treating it as a lifeline. If we’re not at peace with ourselves, unable to forgive our past mistakes, trapped in guilt or shame, or if we don’t see ourselves as good enough, these unhealed wounds resurface during the interactions we have with our partner. We may then wrongly blame them for our feelings. Out of self-preservation, we unconsciously steer the relationship to protect these wounds, leading to overreactions, anger, and complaints. For instance, someone with a fear of abandonment might cling to their partner, interpreting independent actions as threats, dangers, or signs of impending rejection.
We adopt the role of the “savior” - stemming from inner voids or dysfunctional beliefs, we may take on the role of a rescuer, thinking we must “earn” love through grand gestures. We might choose a partner with unresolved issues or toxic behaviors, hoping our love and sacrifices will guide them onto the “right path.” This dynamic often arises because we feel unworthy of love and believe we must work hard to deserve it. The sacrifices we make might provide a toxic sense of validation, as they reinforce our perceived value. However, such dynamics are unhealthy and rarely lead to genuine fulfillment.
We have unrealistic expectations, clinging to illusions - depending on our unmet needs or frustrations at a particular point in life, we may focus solely on the aspects of a partner that seem to address these needs while ignoring red flags. This can create an idealized vision of the relationship that doesn’t align with reality. For example, someone recovering from a toxic relationship might meet a new partner who communicates well, fulfilling a deep-seated need for understanding. They might then label this person as “perfect,” overlooking incompatibilities in other areas. The desire to mold the partner into an ideal image often overshadows the effort to truly know and accept them as they are.
We deceive ourselves about the state of the relationship: even when a relationship is clearly faltering despite repeated efforts to fix it, we may cling to empty promises or make further compromises in the hope that “things will get better.” However, change only happens when individuals truly desire it and commit to the necessary actions. Believing that someone will magically transform is often an exercise in self-delusion.
We believe love alone is enough for long-term success - when falling in love, many people assume that the intense passion they feel will be sufficient to overcome any challenges. However, as the initial excitement fades, what truly matters is compatibility in beliefs, values, and lifestyles, along with the mutual understanding that relationships require ongoing effort from both partners.
We let our fears dictate our actions - fear of being abandoned, of solitude, or of losing the investment we’ve made in a relationship can lead us to prioritize our partner’s needs over our own. This fear-driven behavior results in compromises and sacrifices that accumulate over time, creating frustration and resentment.
We give in to jealousy – stemming from our fear that we are not good enough, that there is someone out there 'better' than us in the eyes of our partner, that we will be abandoned, 'replaced.' Lacking self-confidence or driven by pride (what does she/he have that I don't?), we can end up interpreting even the most insignificant things as real threats. We torment ourselves unnecessarily, start putting pressure on our partner, emotionally blackmailing them, trying to control them, making unfounded accusations, and so on. Jealousy is our issue, and it is up to us to manage it.If you cannot trust yourself and your partner, if you do not believe they choose to be with you because they genuinely want to, what is the purpose of a relationship where you always have to be on guard, suspicious, anxious, angry, and dissatisfied? And if they truly choose to be with someone else, what is the point of opposing that choice? Do you want someone to stay with you because you threaten or emotionally blackmail them, or because they truly like, love, and choose you?
We become possessive - we don't want anyone else to experience the pleasures we feel in the presence of that person. In this sense, we might begin to perceive our partner as personal property, which leads to 'ownership' attitudes and behaviors.
As mentioned earlier, the value of a relationship lies, to some extent, in the free choice to be with someone because you genuinely want to, because being with them truly brings you joy. What emotional value does a relationship have if it continues to exist through coercion and manipulation?
We center too much on ourselves - treating our partner as a tool for fulfilling our desires and ignoring their individuality transforms love into a chain rather than a mutual exchange of freedom and reciprocity.
We refuse to let go of a dead relationship - we don’t break up or give ourselves a new chance because we’re afraid we won’t manage on our own, because we fear loneliness, because we’ve gotten used to things as they are, because we don’t want to step out of our comfort zone (uncomfortable as it may be), 'for the sake of the children,' because we keep hoping things will change and eventually turn out well, and so on.
One aspect I’d like to highlight here: yes, taking this step may seem frightening. Perhaps you keep telling yourself, 'overall, it’s still okay,' but consider the effects this 'okay' has on your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Maybe it’s hard to give up this 'okay' or this 'it’ll do' because that would mean giving up the illusory hope that everything will turn out fine in the end. It would mean making firm decisions that lead to equally clear and decisive actions. It would mean confronting the unknown – a new beginning, a new chance.
Even though a new chance might sound appealing, the unknown – or rather, your lack of confidence that things will truly turn out well, that you’ll manage – keeps you stuck in uncertainty and passivity. However, if you were to strip the problem of all these fears, to look at it exactly as it is – setting aside, even temporarily, your limiting beliefs, the guilt-inducing thoughts, and all the 'yes... but what if…?' – then this problem, which now feels like a seven-headed dragon, might reveal itself for what it truly is: a challenge with solutions. These solutions can be broken down into steps, into actionable plans, but for now, they are overshadowed by the whirlwind of emotions and the refusal to accept reality as it is.
We make countless compromises and sacrifices – compromise involves accepting various things against our will, doing things we don’t want to because our partner desires them or because we believe it’s the way to achieve certain goals. While in the short term, these compromises may seem to help, in the long term, being deceptive and false solutions, they will harm our self-esteem and confidence, as we’ll feel we’ve betrayed ourselves.
The sacrifices we make because we believe they’ll make others happy will also leave us feeling like we’ve given up an important 'part' of ourselves. This will lead to frustration, resentment, and potentially even the destruction of the relationship. Consensus, on the other hand, is the healthier alternative, as it represents a 'win-win' situation rather than a 'loss-win' one.
We give up our independence or feed our dependencies (emotional or otherwise) instead of striving for personal autonomy and creating clear boundaries between 'me' and 'you,' or between 'me in the relationship' and 'me as an individual.' We merge with our partner and forget who we truly are, what defines us as independent human beings. We lose ourselves in the 'fusion' with another.
We don’t communicate, but expect our partner to read our minds. Even in the strongest relationships, this is not possible. We can’t expect our partner to know exactly what we need, when we need it, what upsets us, what dissatisfies us, or what we desire. Strong relationships don’t happen by chance; they are built because both partners communicate constantly. They don’t run away from problems, no matter how uncomfortable they may be. They have the courage to lay them on the table, express their perspectives, and try to reach a consensus. Problems in a relationship don’t disappear if we ignore them or if we’re too afraid to address them openly and directly. We can only find out if we can solve them by starting to communicate. That, ultimately, is the first step.
Love is not compatible with dependency or the restriction of freedom, nor with any form of abuse, lack of respect, or compromise. We choose to be in a relationship because we supposedly love and desire our partner, because we resonate with them, and because we mutually offer each other the best within us: attention, affection, sexual fulfillment. Together, we evolve and grow on all levels. This is what we should seek in our relationships - not prisons that limit us, make us ill, and destroy our lives.
Dr. Ursula Sandner