It’s wonderful to help those around you when you are able, when they ask for help, and when you have the inner and external resources to offer it. However, helping others becomes problematic when:
- you encourage a codependent relationship – you feel the need for the other person to rely on you, so you become their "caretaker" and "savior" (partner, friend, family member, etc.). You feel important and valuable because you are the one offering help, even at the cost of your own well-being. It becomes less about whether they actually need your help and more about your need to feel "indispensable."
A healthy help encourages the independence and growth of the person you’re helping, while an unhealthy help keeps them stuck in the same situation, dependent on you and believing they lack the resources to manage on their own.
Under the guise of “I just want to help you” or “I’m only thinking about your best interests”, your own interests - rather than theirs - may actually be at play. In reality, we can’t truly know what is best for someone else; we can only imagine what might be better for them, basing our assumptions on our own life experiences rather than theirs. We interpret their situation through our personal mental filters without considering their unique perspective and circumstances. Often, we convince ourselves that we know what is best for them, but in truth, we may be prioritizing our own comfort: “They should change so that I can feel better.”
To help someone else "be okay," we may gradually start controlling their life. What begins as offering small pieces of advice about minor issues can evolve into asserting dominance. From merely listening to their problems or concerns, we might start acting as "advisors" or saviors - telling them what to do (even when they haven’t asked for it), solving everything for them, and even feeling upset or betrayed if they disregard our "advice."
We may try to control the other person to ensure they do what we think is right, criticizing them if they "mess up" and throwing out the infamous "I told you so."
However, when someone makes a mistake or experiences failure, the last thing they need to hear is "I told you so." In such moments, what they may need most is compassion and understanding - if we are willing to offer it -rather than reproaches and displays of superiority. Saying "I told you so" often reveals a lack of empathy and respect, as well as an expectation that they should decide and act in accordance with our desires and beliefs about what is right or wrong. Yes, it can be frustrating or painful to see a loved one make mistakes or suffer the consequences of their choices. But it’s essential to understand that everyone acts in the best way they know at the time, based on their life experiences and the resources they have available at that moment. Only through their own experiences - whether positive or challenging - can they learn and become wiser.
The attempts to control another person can also manifest in behaviors such as judging, criticizing, nagging them to change certain things, or doing things for them that we don’t truly want to do - often involving sacrifice or compromise. We may expect to be "rewarded" for these actions, believing they, in turn, owe us similar sacrifices or compromises.
By doing tasks they are fully capable of handling, thinking or deciding on their behalf, solving their problems, speaking for them, or helping them without seeking their consent, we keep them dependent on us. In doing so, we inadvertently feed their fears and undermine their personal power.
- some people use your help as a way to avoid taking responsibility - they might say, “Please help me just this once; I promise I won’t mess up again / I’ll improve / I’ll be more careful next time.” But the cycle repeats endlessly, and you become the one “picking up the pieces” and rescuing them from the consequences of their actions. In this way, the person learns nothing and continues to live irresponsibly because they know they can rely on your help every time.
Moreover, when someone has already sought your help many times, and you have offered it without hesitation, they may come to feel entitled to that help. However, this does not obligate you to continue providing it. If you feel guilty about saying no, observe whether that person might be inducing this feeling through manipulation and emotional blackmail, precisely to keep you trapped in this dysfunctional dynamic. You owe nothing to anyone, especially not to a person who has "subscribed" to being helped and rescued because they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions - a person who feels entitled, shows no gratitude or willingness to change, and in fact, takes advantage of your kindness or your difficulty in saying "no" and setting personal boundaries.
- you end up ignoring or even denying the negative consequences of your help - if you notice that your help either harms you, enables the other person to continue living unaccountably and irresponsibly, or undermines their personal strength, ask yourself why you continue acting this way. Do you believe that by helping, you will earn the love and admiration of others? Does this behavior help you perceive yourself positively, as a good, noble, and altruistic person? Excessive kindness - in this case, altruism or even martyrdom - does not necessarily come from a place of abundance, but from a lack. It may stem from low self-esteem, a lack of self-worth, or an inability to value yourself sufficiently, leading you to seek appreciation and validation externally through self-sacrifice or overhelping others. Work on yourself, with or without specialized help, to understand the roots of this behavior that harms both you and others. Seek healing and work to change these patterns, and you’ll find you no longer feel the need to sacrifice yourself for others to feel valued and appreciated.
- by helping excessively, you may incapacitate the other person (making them believe they are less capable than they truly are). Although this idea has been expressed repeatedly above, it bears reiteration because people often fail to notice this dynamic until it’s too late. They may not notice because they are unwilling to accept it (as admitting that their help is harmful would force them to question their motives and might lead them to conclude that they help out of self-interest, as in codependent relationships). Alternatively, they may simply not think this way, being accustomed to viewing help exclusively in a noble light. As with overprotective parents, excessive help often stems from personal fears and insecurities. For example, an anxious parent might be overly protective of their child - not because the child lacks the ability to cope, but because the parent is afraid to let them try.
Furthermore, if you do too much for someone, sooner or later that person will feel inferior to you. You can help because you’re “strong,” while they are “weak” and need your help. Over time, they may cease to feel gratitude, as their feelings of powerlessness or inferiority before you may turn into frustration, envy, or even resentment. Help others, but strive not to become a permanent crutch. Besides taking away their personal power and making them dependent on you, they may come to despise you because you are seen as "strong," while they are perceived as "weak and helpless."
- you compromise your integrity and values - if your help forces you to jeopardize your integrity, freedom, or values - such as keeping secrets, lying to cover for someone, or betraying yourself - think twice before agreeing to assist that person. Consider the consequences and how you will feel about yourself if you compromise or betray yourself in this way.
- you give from what you don’t have – that is, the help you are asked to provide or you are considering offering exceeds your resources (of any kind). If you feel it would require enormous effort or that it would sacrifice your physical or mental health, think carefully. Moreover, when people agree to do things they don’t truly want to do, they often harbor resentment toward the person they sacrificed for and accumulate frustrations that can manifest as anxiety, depression, or even physical ailments.
Similarly, the help you provide may exceed your abilities if the person needs a different kind of help - specifically, professional help. It’s essential to recognize your limits and guide the person to seek specialized assistance when they are unable to overcome certain issues independently or when their way of living endangers their physical, mental, or emotional health. Accept, however, that while you may guide them toward seeking specialized help, they might refuse or decide they don’t want to change. In such cases, accept that everyone lives as they choose and is ultimately responsible for their inaction and the consequences that follow.
- you may find yourself doing more for others than they do for themselves. For example, you might have a coworker who constantly asks for your help, relying on you to complete their work or take over their responsibilities. Despite this, they complain about not being promoted or being dissatisfied with their position. They might say things like, “You saved me,” or, “I’m so grateful to you,” making you feel useful, important, and like a good colleague. However, you’re putting in the effort to help them perform optimally while they’re unwilling to improve themselves - by developing their skills, learning, becoming more disciplined, or exploring ways to advance their career. No real progress will occur if you’re always there to save them. Why do you take on this Sisyphean task, investing more effort in their success than they are willing to?
Another way to determine if you are helping others too much is to observe their reaction to your help. Do they tend to withdraw because they feel certain boundaries are being crossed, sensing that you are intervening too much in their lives? Do they become defensive, or, on the contrary, do they cling to your help, becoming dependent on you and bombarding you with more and more requests and demands?
Pay attention to how you feel and act - do you feel responsible for their choices and emotions? Do you believe their well-being depends on you? Are you influenced by their complaints, victimhood, or expectation that you’ll solve their problems? Do you feel overwhelmed and exhausted by how much you do for others? Do you take it personally when they disregard your advice? Do you persist in trying to “save” someone, even when they willingly continue harmful behaviors? If you notice yourself taking on their emotions, reacting more strongly than they do, rushing to provide solutions, or inducing them feelings of guilt or shame for not acting as you think they should, these may be signs you’re overstepping.
Take a moment to reflect on the type of boundaries you’ve set in your interactions with others. Have you allowed people to "take advantage" of you? Have you claimed that something didn’t bother you when, in fact, it did? Have you said you wouldn’t do something, only to give in after persistent requests, showing inconsistency? What changes do you need to make to strengthen these boundaries?
Identify what drives you to help excessively - explore your beliefs about yourself and the world. Reflect on the messages you received during childhood about helping others.
Consider whether past emotional wounds - such as feeling invisible or unimportant as a child - are influencing your current behavior, prompting you to seek recognition through kindness and altruism.
When you stop trying to "save" someone or taking on full responsibility for what they think, feel, or do, you can truly support them. You’ll be able to listen without feeling compelled to offer advice or instructions; accept their emotions without trying to change or “fix” them (e.g., “You shouldn’t feel sad” or “There’s no reason to feel this way”); allow them to process and express their feelings; avoid pressuring them to make changes based on your perspective, instead giving them the space to decide and act for themselves. By simply being there for them, showing support, compassion, and respect, you can avoid undermining their inner strength by doing things for them or making decisions on their behalf.
Choose mindfully when and why you help someone. Recognize that you can’t help someone who is unwilling to help themselves. Be careful not to force your help on others and remember that the first requirement for helping anyone is to ensure you’re in a good place yourself and have the resources to offer.
Dr. Ursula Sandner