What emotional baggage do you have from childhood?

As children, we begin to form a vision of the world and life, as well as of ourselves, in line with the experiences we go through, the way we were raised, and the messages we received from our parents or caregivers.

Most of these messages are non-verbal; they are taken as "lessons" through how our child's mind "translates" or interprets the experience. For example, if we had a parent who suffered from a mental disorder or who was addicted to certain substances and, as a result, we were neglected (or for any other reasons), our child's mind might perceive that we are neglected because we are not good enough, because we deserve to be neglected, not because the parent is incapable of taking care of us and our emotional needs.

Thus, we form certain "rules" by which the world functions and a perception of our own being that is based on nothing but our subjective experience. Even if in childhood many of our beliefs and behaviors had an adaptive role, later in life these can become useless, and we may carry them with us as "baggage" that burdens our existence.

What emotional "baggage" might we carry from childhood?

The "I am not good enough" baggage – we can develop this perception if, for example, we did not feel appreciated by our parents, if they often regarded us as the "black sheep" of the family, if nothing we did was good enough for them, if we were frequently compared with "better" siblings or other children, if we were abused, frequently punished without reason, humiliated, disrespected;

The "conditional love" baggage – a child needs to feel the unconditional love of their parent, and if the parent withdraws their affection when the child makes a mistake or simply does not meet the parent's expectations, the child learns that they must be a certain way (desired by the parent) to deserve their love. As an adult, we may feel that we do not deserve to be loved unless we conform to others' expectations and demands, regardless of whether they resonate with us or do us harm;

The "I must please others" baggage  – if in childhood we were conditioned to be obedient, to please our parents to gain their approval, acceptance, and affection, we can perpetuate this pattern into adulthood. Thus, the "rule" we follow in this case is "for others to like me, validate me, accept me, love me, I must please them (often at the cost of my own well-being). If I don't do this, I will feel ashamed, guilty, and that I am not enough as I am, and because I am not enough, others are right to get upset with me, reject me, or blame me when I don't please them";

The "I must be/look/do things perfectly" baggage – perfectionism is closely related to that feeling of inadequacy, of "I am not valuable/I am not good enough." Perfectionism is an impossible standard to achieve, but our pursuit of perfection creates the illusion of safety, helping us protect a fragile Ego – because we feel that we are not good enough, we must make much more effort than others (who, apparently, are good enough) to compensate for this "lack." If we don't do things perfectly, we confirm that we are good for nothing;

The "fear of abandonment and/or rejection" baggage – whether we suffered a real abandonment or we just felt abandoned and/or rejected in childhood (for example, if we were abused by one parent and the other parent did nothing to protect us, making us feel abandoned), as adults we will tend to cling to others, avoid solitude at all costs, make compromises and sacrifices just to have someone out of fear of reliving that feeling;

The "fear of exploring and living" baggage – a child who is overprotected or has anxious parents, who is raised in an environment where the proverbial "sword of Damocles" hangs over their head, may learn to fear life itself. This means fearing to explore, to try new things, to step out of their comfort zone. Such a child may become passive and resigned.

The "it is dangerous to get close to someone/to open up to someone" baggage – when a child's trust in their parents is shaken (for example, if they are abused, hurt, or betrayed by their parent, the person who should, above all, protect and care for them), that child can learn that close bonds are dangerous, that you cannot trust anyone, so it's better to stay closed in your emotional shell. If for a child, love means abuse and suffering, as an adult, they may avoid forming close bonds at all costs. Of course, there are also cases where they will seek familiarity, i.e., they will seek exactly those relationships that confirm to them that love means abuse and suffering;

The "you are not allowed to be yourself/to express your feelings" baggage – if you were humiliated, criticized, hurt, or instilled with the idea that you should be ashamed of who you are (as can happen, for example, if your parents rejected your sexual orientation and judged you for it, or if they wanted you to be a boy instead of a girl or vice versa), or if you were not allowed to express your emotions or were not taught to start recognizing and managing them in a healthy manner (for example, if you manifested anger, you were scolded "what reasons do you have to be angry, let me give you reasons" and punished for it), there is a possibility that, as an adult, you do not have a clearly defined identity – you do not know who you are and what represents you, you do not know your values, you are confused about your desires and also face difficulties regarding recognizing and managing your emotions;

The "you deserve all the bad things that happen to you" baggage – in general, children see themselves as guilty if their parents behave in an undesirable or abusive manner towards them – "if they hit me, I must have done something wrong (even if I don't know what) and deserve to be hit," "if mom says it would have been better if I wasn't born, that I am a burden or that I've ruined her life, I must be a bad child and that's why she says that; it must be my fault." If a child begins to form such beliefs and lives in an environment where certain behaviors that reinforce these beliefs are repeated, as an adult they may feel that if someone behaves abusively, it means they deserve that behavior, that they did something, and that they have no choice but to stay and endure.

Of course, there are many more emotional baggage people have, but I have listed just a few of them to highlight an extremely important conclusion – no one had a perfect childhood, and we all went through various experiences, whether pleasant or unpleasant, that contributed to our becoming. However, we are not simply a product of our childhood, we are not just puppets molded to remain "frozen" in the exact same form under the "breath" of our parents.

All these beliefs and behaviors that at some point helped us adapt, survive in a hostile environment or experiences that at that time exceeded our resources, can simply become dysfunctional and useless from a certain point onwards, becoming obstacles to our personal fulfillment.

Let’s stop seeing ourselves as victims of our childhood and parents and take back our power by deciding for ourselves who we want to be from now on. Let’s analyze our beliefs and try to figure out where they come from and whether they are still helpful in the present moment, in our current life situation.

For example, if we notice that we keep repeating "I am not good enough," we should ask ourselves "when did I first have this thought (at what period in my childhood did it start to form)? In what situation (what was the life context then)? What are the benefits of maintaining this belief and what are the disadvantages (what do I lose and what do I gain if I keep repeating this and how does it influence my life)? Is this belief really true – what are the proofs / in relation to what or whom am I not good enough / if I compare myself with others, where does this need to compare with them come from, what do I gain from it? Is this belief still useful to me now?"

Let’s try to explore our emotions more carefully – what do we feel and why do we feel what we feel? For example, do we have resentment towards our parents? How do we relate to them? How do we relate to our childhood story? Do we blame ourselves? Have we forgiven ourselves / them? Have we managed to accept what happened (meaning not to resist the fact that it happened, not to wish it hadn't happened) and make peace with the past, focusing our energy and attention on the present while looking towards the future, instead of stirring up the past?

Let’s look for solutions and support – let’s ask ourselves if we truly want to let go of the story we keep repeating (for example, I am a victim, I don't deserve to be loved, I will never succeed...). Then, if the answer is yes, let’s think about what resources we need to go through this process of healing and personal blossoming and how we can obtain or develop them. Then let’s take action and be kind and good to ourselves in this process, with its ups and downs.

It is in our power to decide how we want to be, who we want to be, and how we want to live our lives. Let’s no longer allow others (and here I also refer to the internal saboteurs, the voices we have introjected over time that told us we couldn't or other such things) to dictate our own destiny.

Dr. Ursula Sandner

 

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