Self-forgiveness is a process that helps us free ourselves from negative thoughts and emotions, such as guilt and shame, which we associate with different events or situations from the past. It helps us let go of the self-destructive criticisms we repeat in our inner dialogue, of regrets, and teaches us to accept ourselves and grow personally.
Many people continually relive the mistakes they've made and continue to punish themselves for them, feeling overwhelmed by regrets - whether they regret doing something or not doing what they desired. They maintain a negative inner dialogue, which burdens their lives, affecting their confidence and self-esteem, and may keep them trapped in a state of passivity and feelings of helplessness.
Self-forgiveness also means learning to relate to ourselves with compassion and kindness, as if we were our own best friend, accepting ourselves despite all our flaws and imperfections, and understanding that we behaved or acted in a certain way because that was the best we knew how to do at that time, with the information and resources we had available. It involves accepting that we, too, deserve to forgive ourselves, just as we may have forgiven others who have wronged us in some way.
Self-forgiveness helps us know ourselves better and evolve personally because it involves becoming aware of where and how we went wrong, taking responsibility for our actions, learning from our mistakes, and using these lessons to create a better future and make wiser choices.
Other times, self-forgiveness helps us realize that we are carrying burdens that don’t belong to us, blaming ourselves for things we are not truly responsible for. A child who blames themselves for the loss of a parent, thinking they could have done more to save them, even though it was beyond their control, or a partner who feels responsible for the other’s unhappiness, despite the other person doing nothing to improve their life or get out of a difficult situation, or a person who was raped or abused, who couldn’t have foreseen or avoided the situation, nor done more to save themselves - these are examples where self-forgiveness can be freeing.
Self-forgiveness is also a means by which we can free ourselves from external pressures, from the power of an "external authority," and develop our own sense of self-worth. This external authority may be a family member or the family as a whole (such as parents who withdraw their affection, invalidate, or even wage a battle with their own children if they refuse, for instance, to follow a path, a school, or a career imposed upon them). It may be the voice of society telling us we’re not good enough or acceptable if we deviate even slightly from its “norms,” or the voice of mass-media selling us images of perfection and the false idea that beauty is limited to specific standards, and so on.
We give power to an external source by allowing it to dictate how we should live our lives, by permitting it to influence us to such an extent that we come to believe we’re not valuable or that we’re failures if we are different. We live with feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and shame, no longer daring to follow the voice of our own reason and intuition or to explore our potential.
It’s as if we apologize for who we are, simply because we don’t meet the often selfish expectations others have of us - “I can’t forgive myself because I disappointed my father…,” “I can’t forgive myself because I embarrassed myself so badly; what will people think?” We internalize certain standards of perfection and success, and then judge ourselves harshly when we fail to meet them. Sometimes we succeed in conforming but find ourselves deeply alienated from who we are, seeking various ways to numb the pain of an inauthentic life.
We are human, and mistakes are part of the human experience. However, how we relate to those mistakes makes all the difference. It is important to take responsibility for what we have done (or failed to do), try to correct our mistakes if possible, learn from them, and free ourselves from the negative emotions that burden our lives.
We should understand that forgiving ourselves doesn’t mean making “excuses” for our past behaviors, running from responsibility, or denying or minimizing those actions, but rather embracing them, however uncomfortable this may be.
Our mistakes do not define us as individuals unless we allow them to; they do not make us less valuable but instead open our eyes to our own fallibility. They are not a reflection of our human worth but an opportunity for growth if we learn from them. They can also lead to stagnation or regression if we choose to sink into self-criticism, harsh judgment, self-punishment, or refuse to live our lives for fear of making mistakes or avoid accepting our part of the responsibility, blaming others, and thus ending up repeating them in one way or another.
Next, I invite you to try a self-forgiveness exercise:
Choose a time of day and find a quiet space where you won’t be interrupted. Sit in a comfortable position and take a few deep breaths, allowing yourself to relax and release any tension in your body.
Recall a situation or experience that still makes you feel ashamed or guilty. What details do you remember? How did things unfold? What did you tell yourself in your inner dialogue about the situation? How did you feel in those moments? What did you do afterward?
Now try to view the situation from a different perspective. Consider any external factors beyond your control that may have played a role in how the event unfolded. Remember how you acted and ask yourself if you did what you thought was best, given the resources, information, and possibilities you had at that moment. Try to gain a better understanding of both the context and why you acted as you did at that time.
Note any negative thoughts or criticisms that come to mind as you think about the situation. You may still find yourself thinking things like, “I was foolish,” “I should have known better,” or “I can’t believe I did that.”
Next to each negative thought, write a positive response that shows compassion toward yourself. For example, “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t make me worthless,” or “I acted that way, but it doesn’t define me as a person.”
Close your eyes and continue to breathe consciously, visualizing that with each exhale, you release the guilt and shame you’ve carried with you for so long, and with each inhale, you bring gentleness, compassion, and forgiveness into your mind and body. Imagine yourself rising above the situation and moving forward with a sense of confidence and self-understanding.
Repeat this exercise as often as you need.
In conclusion, through self-forgiveness, we free ourselves from the burdens of the past and make peace with ourselves. We demonstrate strength and wisdom by accepting and taking responsibility for our mistakes, learning from them without being overwhelmed by guilt, shame, or fear of failure. We learn to look at ourselves with compassion and understanding, allowing ourselves to accept our flaws and imperfections and to be human.
Often, we are far more critical of ourselves than we are of others. We judge ourselves harshly and blame ourselves for everything we didn’t manage to do “perfectly.” But why are we so hard on ourselves? Aren’t we, like everyone else, imperfect human beings striving to improve constantly? Don’t we, too, have the right to make mistakes, to fail?
Forgiving ourselves is not easy; it requires time and patience, but it’s a crucial process for feeling fulfilled and moving forward in life.
Dr. Ursula Sandner