Why do we stay stuck in a relationship with a passive-aggressive person?
Some people are attracted to individuals with passive-aggressive behavior due to compensatory mechanisms through which they try to resolve unresolved issues from the past.
A person with a strong maternal or paternal instinct will be drawn to the fragility and insecurity of the passive-aggressive partner and their willingness to be cared for and protected. This need to protect and help someone can lead to an unbalanced relationship, where one partner takes on the role of the parent, and the other that of the child. In this case, the protective partner operates under the premise, “I need them to need me.”
People who want to avoid the responsibilities of a relationship may be attracted to passive-aggressive people because they initially seem very relaxed and unconcerned, and the calm and nonchalant facade of the passive-aggressive personality may seem ideal. This illusion of freedom and independence is often what initially attracts, but it can quickly turn into a trap, as the passive-aggressive person will start to demand protection and special care, reversing the dynamics of the relationship.
If you find yourself in any of these behavioral patterns, it is important to become aware of your vulnerabilities and reassess your attitude in relationships. You don’t need a partner who takes on the role of a child, nor should you join someone solely because of their weaknesses. It is important to build balanced relationships based on mutual respect and the ability of both partners to take responsibility.
Passive-aggressive relationships may seem appealing at first, but in the long run, they bring more suffering and frustration. Protect yourself by recognizing the signs and setting clear boundaries. Ultimately, you deserve to be with someone who contributes positively to the relationship.
How can we manage such a relationship?
Passive-aggressive people can be unpredictable. Sometimes they are very close and affectionate, other times distant and cold. This constant cycle of closeness and rejection creates uncertainty and frustration. At times, the partner may see you as intrusive and manipulative, and at other times, as someone who accepts and cares for them. This duality makes it difficult to maintain a stable and healthy relationship.
Faced with this emotional situation, people usually adopt two strategies: either they take on the role of protector of the passive-aggressive partner or they set strict boundaries. Let’s analyze both strategies and their consequences.
Taking on the role of protector and accepting ambivalence
To adopt this strategy, you must assume the role of protector of your partner and dedicate your life to meeting their needs, even though you know you will never fully satisfy them. Representative behaviors of this attitude include:
- accepting your partner exactly as they are, without trying to change them;
- focusing on the positive aspects and ignoring the negative ones;
- adapting to your partner’s passivity and lowering your personal standards to match theirs;
- being willing to make any compromise or sacrifice without expecting anything in return;
- providing all the explanations requested by your partner;
- being constantly available for your partner’s needs and demands;
- recognizing that masked aggression is your partner’s main way of expression.
This submissive position comes at an inevitable cost: your inner strength will gradually deplete. Over time, you will want to see your partner mature and become more predictable, but these expectations will remain unfulfilled and will generate frustration and inner discomfort.
Setting strict boundaries
Those who choose this strategy refuse to be manipulated and demand a solution to the existing conflicts and problems. Although this approach seems to build an honest relationship based on equality, it will initially provoke a negative reaction from the passive-aggressive partner, who will intensify their difficult behaviors and disruptive tactics. Behaviors that define this attitude include:
- avoiding wasting your energy trying to convince your partner of obvious things;
- not entrusting your partner with tasks they cannot complete on their own;
- ignoring passive-aggressive challenges and refusing to respond to subversive tactics;
- encouraging your partner to seek therapy to change their dysfunctional behavior;
- acting calmly and honestly, without falling into the trap of indirect and sabotaging attitudes;
- treating your partner as an adult without taking responsibility for their mistakes.
If you want to free yourself from unnecessary guilt and avoid the control of a passive-aggressive partner, you must act firmly and maintain your dignity.
Partners of passive-aggressive people suffer because they constantly live in a conflict that is not their own, cannot rely on their partner when needed, and receive a love filled with resentment.
Passive-aggressive people are caught between the desire for freedom and the need for protection, making it extremely difficult to reach a consensus. It’s as if they live at extremes - one moment they see you as a tormentor, the next as a savior.
When they feel their freedom is threatened, they will see you as a tyrant trying to control their life. Any attempt to guide or impose rules on them will be met with resistance and hostility. This leads to tensions and conflicts in the relationship, as the partner feels misunderstood and rejected.
In moments of vulnerability, when they need protection and support, they will see you as a hero who can save them. They will seek your affection and validation, and at these times, the relationship may seem harmonious and full of love. However, this perception is temporary and quickly changes once they feel threatened again.
This constant internal conflict makes it extremely difficult to reach a consensus or maintain a stable relationship. The partner of a passive-aggressive person faces a continuous challenge of navigating between these extremes, trying to find balance. It’s like walking a tightrope, trying not to fall into either extreme.
To manage a relationship with a passive-aggressive person, it is important to understand this duality, have patience, set clear boundaries, and encourage open communication. The help of a psychotherapist can be very useful in these situations, providing guidance and support to navigate the complexities of such a relationship.
The decision to stay in or leave a relationship with a passive-aggressive person is difficult. It is important to understand that change requires professional help and effort from both partners. If you find yourself in such a relationship, protect your mental and emotional health, and make the decisions that are best for you. In the end, the choice is yours.
Dr. Ursula Sandner