Every relationship experiences moments of tension and conflict, but some relationships conceal a subtle and insidious behavioral pattern: passive-aggressiveness. This form of interaction, often masked by smiles and seemingly harmless gestures, can erode trust and harmony between partners, leaving behind frustration and unresolved conflicts.
Passive-aggressiveness manifests through indirect behavior, avoiding open confrontation and resorting to subtle methods of undermining. Passive-aggressive individuals do not express their grievances directly; instead, they act in ways that cause discomfort and ambiguity for others. This dynamic can create an atmosphere of uncertainty and insecurity in the relationship, affecting the emotional well-being of both partners.
What are the characteristics of passive-aggressive people?
Passive-aggressive individuals often face interpersonal ambivalence:
- on one hand, they need an authoritative or protective figure (such as a life partner) because they perceive themselves as fragile and lacking support. They may feel that they have no control over certain aspects of their lives and that they are treated unfairly. These feelings may stem from past experiences where they were subjected to strict control or abuse. For example, children who grew up in an environment where emotional expression was discouraged or punished may develop passive-aggressive coping strategies. Or when parents were unable or unwilling to acknowledge the child’s needs and desires, the child was unable to ask for what they needed, fearing negative consequences, so these needs were repressed, denied, or ignored. As adults, if this behavior continues and they cannot express their needs directly and assertively, they resort to passive-aggressive behavior to manipulate situations, satisfy their needs, feel more powerful, and indirectly express their grievances;
- on the other hand, they feel the need to be free and independent, without feeling controlled by their partner.
This ambivalence creates a paradox in the relationship: if the partner offers affection, the passive-aggressive person feels suffocated. If they do not receive affection, they feel extremely lonely. This constant oscillation between closeness and distance is driven by the frequent mood swings of the passive-aggressive person.
When the partner offers affection and attention, the passive-aggressive person may feel suffocated out of fear that accepting the affection will lead to a loss of autonomy and excessive vulnerability. Gestures of affection are perceived as an attempt to control, causing anxiety and discomfort.
But if the partner does not offer affection, the passive-aggressive person feels extremely lonely and neglected. The lack of affection revives feelings of insecurity and lack of support from the past, amplifying resentment and frustrations.
This profound internal conflict causes each gesture of affection to be met with ambivalence. Reactions of distancing or defensive behaviors are defense mechanisms against feelings of suffocation and perceived control. In the absence of affection, passive-aggressive individuals may seek validation through indirect behaviors such as victimization or procrastination. They may exaggerate the difficulties they face or create situations that attract the partner's attention, thus trying to obtain the desired affection and support without directly expressing their needs.
The partner of a passive-aggressive person often faces frustration and confusion due to this paradox. The ambivalent responses of the passive-aggressive individual create a sense of stalemate, generating mutual tensions and resentments. Managing this paradox requires significant emotional effort, which can lead to emotional exhaustion and affect the well-being of the partner.
They exhibit oppositional, sabotaging, and resistant behavior, which can manifest through attitudes such as:
- unexpressed discontent - the person has certain grievances or resentments towards their partner but does not fully express them, using them instead to maintain a certain control over the relationship. Instead of directly expressing their dissatisfaction or desires, they prefer to communicate through insinuations, sarcasm, or hints, leaving the other partner to guess their true intentions;
- fear of loss - although they do not fully accept their partner, the person prefers to stay in the relationship out of fear of being alone or losing the emotional or material benefits they have. This attitude creates hidden tension in the relationship because the partner may feel that they are not fully accepted and that there is constant insecurity;
- emotional manipulation and blackmail - the person keeps the partner in a state of uncertainty, manipulating the relationship dynamics to gain certain advantages or avoid direct confrontations. They use subtle tactics to control the emotions and reactions of the other person. These tactics may include ignoring, withdrawing affection, or engaging in seemingly innocent behaviors that provoke guilt or anxiety;
- victimization and power games - they may play the victim to gain sympathy and avoid responsibility. At the same time, they use these tactics to maintain control over the relationship and their partner;
- uncertainty and confusion - they induce a state of uncertainty and confusion, making the other person doubt their own perceptions and feel insecure in the relationship.
Lack of effective communication skills - passive-aggressive individuals may not have learned how to communicate assertively and healthily. They do not know how to clearly express their needs, desires, and boundaries, so they resort to passive-aggressive behaviors to get what they want without risking rejection or conflict.
Passive-aggressive individuals try to take advantage of the benefits of the relationship (such as safety and protection) without making any significant effort. Basically, they try to gain maximum benefits with minimal effort, avoiding the responsibilities that come with a healthy relationship, such as:
- honest and open communication - to maintain a healthy relationship, it is essential for both partners to communicate openly and honestly. Passive-aggressive individuals avoid this type of communication, preferring to express their grievances and frustrations indirectly;
- active involvement in the relationship - building and maintaining a healthy relationship requires active effort from both partners. This may involve participating in joint activities, supporting each other in personal projects, and sharing equal responsibilities in the household tasks or raising children. Passive-aggressive individuals tend to avoid these commitments, leaving the burden on their partner;
- conflict resolution - a healthy relationship involves addressing and resolving conflicts constructively. Passive-aggressive individuals avoid direct confrontations and problem-solving, preferring to let conflicts simmer, which can lead to accumulated tensions and resentments.
Another characteristic of passive-aggressive individuals is their tendency to see only the negative side, generating a gloomy and demoralizing atmosphere for their partners.
They have a negative and discouraging view of the relationship and life in general. Their opinions about certain people or situations can be very harsh and negative.
If you initially notice a helpless side to these individuals, you might find yourself doing all sorts of favors for them. They manipulate situations so that they appear to need constant help, which consumes your resources and energy. They ask for favors but do not offer anything in return. Their attitude is centered on gaining benefits without giving something in return, creating an imbalance in the relationship.
Passive-aggressive people are often unreliable. They don’t answer the phone, they are late, or they don’t show up for meetings. Every time they will justify themselves, but they will repeat the same behavior shortly after. They often promise more than they can deliver. Initially, they take the initiative and seem enthusiastic, but soon they regret their decisions. This sudden change can leave partners disappointed and confused, creating an atmosphere of insecurity and mistrust.
They dislike you controlling the situation, but they won’t take charge either. You will often reach a stalemate in various situations because they refuse to cooperate or find solutions.
Why do we remain stuck in a relationship with a passive-aggressive person? We will explore this aspect in the second part of this article, so see you soon.
Dr. Ursula Sandner