How do you know he loves you? Find out what evidence isn’t evidence of love.

Ursula Sandner

All people want love, but how do you know he loves you and if it’s worth to continue to invest time, energy and feelings in this relationship? We invest in love perhaps much more than in a business, and no matter how mercantile it would sound, it’s normal not wanting to lose.

Love is something that develops over time, a deep feeling that crystallizes as we know each other better, when we like what we discover and more than that, when we can accept our partner’s weaknesses the same way we can accept his qualities. Love is based more on reason than on fluctuating feelings, but love starts with this emotional experiences.

That is, when we are in love and we think we love our partner, what dictates the relational dynamic it’s a combination of intense and overwhelming emotions that can diminish and even completely disappear when the idealized image we have projected on our partner can no longer be sustained. From now on, by not being anymore under that passion that  "shades" our reason, we can consciously choose if we want to further invest in the newly created relationship, if we really like the person standing in front of us, now that we see him as he really is, if we can accept him without wanting to change him to fit our ideals.

Love comes when we get to know each other, because we can’t love something we don’t know and we don’t understand, but we can fall in love with someone we don’t know. In fact, we can’t control being in love because it doesn’t depend on reason but on certain biochemical elements and aspects of our unconscious, and it appears without having to know each other very well.  You don’t have to know the other one really well to feel an uncontrollable passion for him. But once you get to know him, romantic love can diminish, or on the contrary, from this point on, love can be cultivated.

When someone tells you that he loves you, be careful if what he loves about you is his own projections or an idealized image that he has attributed to you. Does he really want to know you? Is he really interested in you? Does he really care what's going on with you and your life, or does it rather relate to you as if you had to fulfill a certain role, behave in a way that he expects and wants?

People say very often that they love...they love music, they love travelling, they love a certain food or person. Therefore, to love can as well be synonymous with “to like”, “to need”, “to want”.  When someone tells you that he loves you, this can mean as well anything else than "really love". And in this case, it may be quite useless and energy consuming to think, "has he been honest?", "why did he tell me that?" and start analyzing his words. More important than this is paying attention to his behaviours. If his words are not supported by his actions ... they are just words.

 

So, what are the actions which show you that he loves you?

Love includes gentleness, tenderness, admiration and friendship. Are his behaviours proofs of gentleness, tenderness, admiration and friendship?

If they aren’t, but you deceive and delude yourself they are, for the sake of your emotional investment and  hoping that one day it will be better, you have to be aware that this energy you invest to create and sustain your illusions is an energy that consumed this way can create imbalances and physical, mental or emotional disorders. And the fact that you are consuming yourself this way will not make the reality different from what it is or him to become the man you want.

On the other hand, he can honestly love you, but you can’t perceive this because your love language is different from his. But, regardless of this language, there are certain behaviors and attitudes that can tell you how sincerely he loves you:

If he doesn’t treat you with respect, this means respect for your thoughts, beliefs and ideas, your values, goals and decisions, your personal time and space... he doesn’t love you.

If instead of encouraging you or at least adopting a neutral attitude when you share your dreams and goals or when you start acting to achieve them, he manipulates, emotionally blackmails you or uses other form of aggression to try to stop you to follow your path, to keep you in the same condition that is convenient to him or even puts obstacles in your way ... he doesn’t love you.

If he tries to change you, to impose you a certain way of being or a certain lifestyle, if he pressures you to give up some activities that you like, but which represent a threat for him (because of his insecurity)... he doesn’t love you.

If you see yourself forced to give up a series of personal projects because he induced you one way or another that it would be better for your relationship... he doesn’t love you.

If he is aggressive or even violent with you (regardless it’s physical, psychic, emotional or economic violence) blaming you and saying that you have provoked him... he doesn’t love you but wants to weaken your will and power inducing you the idea that you have acted wrongly and that it would be better from now on to forget about your wishes and needs and to "stay in your place"…

If he threatens you that he will break up with you or even commit suicide when you refuse to satisfy his selfish needs, that is to be at his disposal when, how and as long as he wants, he doesn’t love you but he manipulates you proving emotional instability...

If he doesn’t make any effort but just makes promises or rarely seems really interested in getting involved in building your relationship... he doesn’t love you.

If he controls you or limits your freedom one way or another saying that he can’t trust you otherwise...he doesn’t love you.

If he judges you, he offends you, he blames you, he always criticize you...he doesn’t love you.

If all the time something else is more important for him than you, if he relates to you as a “backup person” or an “object” meant to satisfy his pleasures, if he promises you commitments for a long time already but he doesn’t do anything… he doesn’t love you.

If he devalues you, tries to isolate you from your entourage, blames you for your relationship difficulties, not assuming his part of responsibility,  threatens you, is distant and cold to you, giving you affection only from time to time for fear you’ll get too big for your boots... he doesn’t love you.

And these are just some of the evidence... Do you find yourself in the examples written above? If yes... open your eyes and take control over your life! You are much stronger than you think! You just need to see reality as it is, and instead of making a commitment with a man who doesn’t love you and doesn’t respect you, make that commitment with yourself.

 

Dr. Ursula Sandner

 

 

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