Out of the desire to maintain control and prevent a potential "betrayal," some people may, through their behaviors, end up achieving the exact opposite, driving their partner away. How does jealousy manifest? What are these attitudes and behaviors?
Searching for evidence – some people may check their partner's messages, social media, or location, looking for "proof" of infidelity. The problem with this constant search is that it starts with the assumption that your partner is cheating, leading you to interpret any insignificant detail as evidence. This can prevent you from enjoying the relationship and ignoring your partner's positive gestures. While there is a chance you may uncover the truth if there are real reasons for concern, obsessively searching for evidence creates distrust and conflict, which may actually harm the relationship. Therefore, it’s important to find a balance and ask yourself if this behavior really helps or only amplifies the problems.
Invading personal space – another way jealousy manifests is through invading your partner’s personal space, such as checking their drawers, bags, pockets, emails, or messages. A jealous person may constantly monitor their partner’s social media accounts, checking every like, comment, or new friendship. This intrusion not only violates your partner’s privacy but also signals a lack of trust, which can lead to resentment and distance.
Interrogating your partner – this is a strategy some use when they feel insecure or jealous asking frequent questions to gather details and reassure themselves. However, this approach can lead to arguments and mistrust, as the partner feels attacked and becomes defensive. Constant questioning creates a vicious circle of suspicion, making the relationship tense and leading to distance or even breakup, not because of real infidelity, but due to the conflicts generated.
Interrogating your partner's friends and colleagues – some jealous people subtly or directly interrogate their partner's friends and coworkers to gather information about their activities. This can create an uncomfortable atmosphere and put the partner in an awkward position with their close circle, affecting social and professional relationships.
Constantly bringing up the possibility of being cheated on – obsessively returning to the topic of infidelity, even in regular conversations, can create a toxic atmosphere. Constantly bringing up "if you're cheating on me" or "if you're with someone else" can signal a lack of trust and exhaust your partner, making them feel misunderstood and unappreciated.
Looking for signs that others are interested in your partner – when you become overly attentive to possible flirtations or interest from others towards your partner, you start focusing on the behavior of those around you, viewing them as rivals or “suspects.” This attitude can lead you to analyze every interaction in detail, wondering if your partner might be interested in someone else. You also become suspicious when your partner talks to someone else, especially if they seem to enjoy themselves or laugh. You feel very upset if someone touches your partner, thinking that person is invading your territory, or if, for example, your partner dances with someone else at a party. Although you think you're preventing potential problems, you end up with many "false alarms" that lead to arguments and tensions, turning your time together into a competition with others.
Demanding proof of loyalty – jealous people may frequently ask for proof of loyalty, such as requesting real-time location sharing, photos of where the partner is, or immediate responses to calls and messages. These demands can create frustration and induce a sense of permanent distrust, making the partner feel controlled and unappreciated.
Sulking and withdrawing – this involves silently distancing yourself from your partner without clearly expressing what bothers you, hoping they will figure it out and show they care. Although the intention is to make your partner miss you and "fix" the situation, this passive-aggressive behavior often leads to confusion and may push your partner further away. The idea of "testing" if they care may backfire, as they might see your behavior as unreasonable and difficult to understand. A healthy relationship is based on open communication and closeness, not emotional games and ambiguity.
Using anxiety as a means of control – jealous people may resort to exaggerated anxious behavior to control their partner. For example, they may have anxiety attacks when their partner is away or running late, forcing the partner to change their plans to calm them down.
Direct accusation – fueled by strong emotions and scenarios playing out in your mind, you begin accusing your partner, often without concrete evidence. You call them a liar, unfaithful, or cowardly for not admitting the truth, and claim they don't deserve you. Once you start making accusations, it becomes hard to stop, as you feel the need to prove you are right. No matter what your partner says, you continue accusing them, interpreting any reaction as a sign of guilt. While your intent may be to uncover the truth or clarify the situation, repeatedly accusing them only deepens the tensions and conflicts. Communication based on respect and openness, not accusations and assumptions, is what helps strengthen a healthy relationship.
Trying to get involved in all of your partner's activities – a jealous person may insist on participating in all of their partner's activities and events, even when they are not invited or have no genuine interest in those activities. This behavior can be seen as disrespectful to the partner's need for independence and can create tension, making the other person feel constrained and lacking autonomy.
Denigrating the rival – this involves speaking poorly about someone you consider a threat to your relationship, trying to convince your partner that this person is inferior and doesn't deserve their attention. You want your partner to see this person as unattractive, boring, or full of flaws, hoping they will lose interest. If your partner defends them or refuses to support your claims, you may interpret it as a sign that they prefer that person over you. Even if they agree with you, such behavior can damage your image in their eyes, as they may start to view you as irrational, hostile, unfair, critical, or petty for speaking ill of others.
Denigrating your partner – you undermine your partner, criticize them, and make negative statements to create a poor image of them. You want to make them feel like they have so many issues that they should be lucky to have you. You try to show them that they have no other options but you, suggesting they are a liar, unattractive, or that no one else would want them. This hostile attitude can push your partner further away, as they will feel criticized and humiliated rather than appreciated and respected.
Threatening to end the relationship – this is a strategy used when suspicions and frustrations become overwhelming. You might say you're leaving or even leave temporarily to test your partner and see if they change their behavior. While the threat may seem effective in drawing attention to the problems, it can lead to a loss of credibility if not followed by concrete actions and may provoke similar reactions from the other person, escalating the conflict. Instead of helping the relationship, this type of behavior can worsen tensions and arguments.
When you use threats or punishments to control your partner, you're trying to make them stay with you out of fear. These threats might include leaving them without financial resources, preventing them from seeing their children, ruining their reputation, or becoming violent. Although you may feel that this will allow you to control your partner, in reality, they may withdraw, become more secretive, retaliate, or even leave to escape your control. A healthy relationship can’t be built on fear and control; it's necessary to find a more constructive and open approach.
Trying to make your partner jealous – you show interest in someone else, flirt, hint that you’re thinking about an ex, or perhaps become secretive so your partner starts to wonder what's going on, hoping to spark their interest and make them jealous in the hopes that they will pay more attention to you. However, they may feel they can no longer trust you, become offended, or believe you're trying to manipulate them with such games.
Blaming your partner for your own feelings of jealousy – jealous people tend to blame their partner for their feelings, saying things like, “If you didn’t act like that, I wouldn’t be jealous,” or “It’s your fault that I feel this way.” Even if your partner hasn’t done anything wrong, they will feel like they need to “fix” something.
These behaviors can negatively affect our relationship and cause our partner to distance themselves from us in search of an environment where they feel understood and appreciated. But what can we do to free ourselves from jealousy? What does this mean? Freeing yourself from jealousy doesn’t mean never feeling it again; rather, it means learning not to let it control your life. In the third part of this article, we will discuss some strategies for managing jealousy, so see you soon!
Dr. Ursula Sandner