Jealousy... such a complex and sometimes intense feeling... I assume it’s not unfamiliar to you, right? Perhaps we've all experienced it at some point in our lives; after all, it's a natural part of the human experience. However, what truly matters is how we manage to understand and handle it.
Jealousy is about the fear of losing someone important to us to someone else, about the anger towards someone we perceive as a rival, and about the distrust in someone we fear might betray us. Often, the mere introduction of a new person into our social circle can be perceived as a potential threat, fueling the fear of loss, humiliation, marginalization, and abandonment.
Jealousy is often confused with envy, although they are different emotions. Jealousy is, basically, the feeling that we are being "left out" of a relationship that matters to us, while envy arises when we perceive that someone else has something we lack – be it success, beauty, respect, or any other valuable resource. Instead of feeling that we are losing something, as in the case of jealousy, envy triggers the desire to obtain what the other person has, or even to destroy that thing to eliminate the difference that makes us feel inferior.
Envy is often about comparison and competition in a certain area, be it professional, personal, or social. If we see someone succeeding in a field that matters to us, such as their career, we might feel envy if that person earns more or is promoted before us. On the other hand, jealousy is more about protecting a relationship that is threatened by a perceived "intruder." Although jealousy and envy are different emotions, they can arise simultaneously toward the same person, as both involve the perception of competition and the risk of loss.
Jealousy involves a combination of strong emotions, such as anger, fear, confusion, helplessness, and sadness. Although we often say that we "feel" jealousy, it also involves a wide range of negative thoughts and reactive behaviors. Thoughts like: "they're interested in someone else," "they will leave me," "I have to find out what's going on" often appear in the mind of the jealous person. These thoughts can lead to destructive behaviors, such as excessive control obsessive checking, or even aggressive confrontations.
The problem is not that we feel jealousy, but how we react afterward. It is our reactions that create problems. For example, an uncontrolled angry reaction can quickly escalate into a fight that may leave lasting emotional wounds. In other words, it’s one thing to feel jealousy and another to act on it.
This emotion can be seen as an opportunity to reflect on our own insecurities and the dynamics of our relationships. We can view it as a symptom of personal insecurity, but we can also look at it through the lens of our biological, psychological, and social evolution.
Jealousy has its roots in human evolution, functioning as a protective mechanism in romantic and familial relationships to prevent infidelity and protect genetic inheritance. In early societies, jealousy was important for ensuring the survival of the species; people were motivated to protect their partners and children to pass on their genes. For example, in a couple’s relationship, jealousy can arise as a reaction to the threat of losing a partner, which could mean losing emotional, financial, or genetic resources.
Today, our modern environment no longer resembles that of the past, and this evolutionary response is not as relevant. However, understanding this perspective can help us realize why jealousy is such a strong and intense emotion. Nevertheless, we should not use it as an excuse for our destructive behaviors.
Jealousy is often mistaken for an expression of love, but in reality, it is more of a manifestation of selfishness and the need for control than of genuine love. Jealousy is not just the fear of losing a loved one; it is often a reflection of the fear that we are not good enough or that we do not deserve the love and attention of others. These fears are often rooted in personal insecurities formed by past experiences, whether from childhood or previous relationships.
Early experiences can greatly influence how we form our beliefs about trust and safety in adult relationships. For example, if a child witnessed their parents’ infidelity or grew up in an environment where their emotional needs were not consistently met, that child may develop the belief that people are not trustworthy in intimate relationships. These beliefs are often perpetuated in future relationships, where the fear of being betrayed or abandoned can arise even in the absence of concrete reasons.
In many cases, jealousy becomes a defense mechanism against past wounds. For example, a person who has been cheated on in a previous relationship may develop a persistent fear of being betrayed again. Thus, jealousy becomes a barrier to intimacy and real trust.
When someone feels the need to know every move their partner makes, where they are, who they meet with, or how much time they spend with friends, this behavior doesn't reflect love but rather a desire for control. It is a clear signal of a masked selfishness, where one's own needs for security and validation prevail over respect for the other person's freedom.
Authentic love means trust, mutual respect, and the freedom to be yourself. In a healthy relationship, both partners support each other in their personal growth and development. True love does not involve a power struggle but rather collaboration for the well-being of both partners. In contrast, jealousy, when it gets out of control, can erode these core values, turning a relationship into an arena of conflict and insecurity.
Our beliefs and jealousy
Our beliefs are the filters through which we interpret the world and our experiences. They are formed based on past experiences, cultural influences, education, and early relationships. These beliefs can be positive and constructive or negative and destructive, fueling emotions such as jealousy.
For example, if you have a belief like "I am not worthy of love", you may fear that your partner will find someone more interesting or attractive than you. It's like wearing dark glasses that make everything seem darker than it actually is. If you don't realize you're wearing these "glasses," you’ll believe the world is constantly dark.
When we have such beliefs, we interpret everything through these negative lenses, and very few positive things reach us. It's like being trapped in our own limited perspective.
When we are jealous, we often treat our negative thoughts as if they are absolute facts: "He/she is interested in someone else," "I will be abandoned," or "I'm no longer good enough for him/her." These thoughts create a distorted reality and lead us to react based on assumptions rather than facts. However, not all of our thoughts are true. Only by checking the facts, such as having an open conversation with our partner, we can clarify the situation and avoid the trap of jealousy-based thinking.
People also often have "rules" about how things should be in relationships. These rules may seem helpful in protecting or controlling situations, but they can lead to overreactions and wrong conclusions.
For example, you might believe that you should always know exactly where your partner is, what they are doing, and with whom, otherwise, you’ll have a jealousy fit. But I ask you: Is it realistic to believe that you can always know where your partner is, what they are doing, and who they are with? If your partner didn’t know, for example, where you were today, does that mean you cheated on them? Do you trust your partner if you feel the need to constantly know every detail about them? Could this need to control and monitor every move put pressure on the relationship and lead to resentment? Is it possible that your partner might need a certain degree of privacy and independence, even in a relationship?
Another rule might be: "My partner isn’t allowed to find anyone else interesting or attractive (because that means they don’t really love me)." Is this a realistic rule? Do you believe you are the only person in the world your partner finds attractive? Don’t you also occasionally find other people attractive or interesting? Does this mean you can’t be trusted or that you will betray your partner?
No one can live up to the expectations behind this rule. So, if you hold on to it, you will end up feeling constantly disappointed, insecure, and jealous. What if you had a more realistic and healthy thought: "There are many people who can be attractive and interesting, but that doesn’t mean my partner doesn’t love me or will cheat on me"?
Another aspect of jealousy is relying on negative assumptions about the future (worrying) or fixating on negative things from the past or present (rumination). Both involve being stuck on certain negative thoughts, which can take over your mind entirely.
For example, you might think: "He finds that woman attractive." Instead of clinging to that thought, you can choose to ignore it or accept that it’s normal to find other people attractive. This way of thinking helps you not get stuck and move forward. But if you start worrying, your mind becomes more and more restless.
Rumination works similarly, but it’s more about constantly thinking about certain events, turning them over and over in your mind, and asking unanswered questions like: "Why did that happen?" This type of thinking can keep you stuck in a negative state, and instead of enjoying the present, you remain trapped in these questions. It’s important to recognize when we do this, to become aware of these thinking patterns, and confront them with real facts, letting go of automatic and untrue assumptions.
In the desire to have control and prevent a potential "betrayal," some people may end up, through their behaviors, achieving the opposite – pushing their partner away. In the second part of this article, we will provide examples of such attitudes and behaviors, so see you soon!
Dr. Ursula Sandner