Your life is a reflection of the choices you make, the boundaries you set, and the courage you have to stand up for your beliefs and values. Many times, people conform to the expectations and demands of others, saying “yes” when they actually want to say “no” , avoiding expressing their viewpoints or taking a stand because they fear confrontation and try to maintain a harmony that is, in reality, fragile and superficial. They fear rejection or judgment and worry that if they express disagreement or different opinions, they will lose the approval of those around them.
All these fears prevent them from truly being “on their side,” making them highly vulnerable to external influences - easily swayed or manipulated. This can lead to frustration, resentment, and a loss of self-respect. However, when you choose to express yourself, articulate your needs, and act in alignment with your principles, your self-confidence grows. It’s as if you are making a statement that says: “I matter. My feelings are important. My opinions deserve to be heard.”
Every time you choose to make your voice heard and stand up for your rights, you take responsibility for the direction of your life, reminding yourself that you are in control of your own existence. This does not mean being rigid or imposing your point of view at any cost, but rather expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs assertively (source), maintaining inner balance, and knowing where to set boundaries.
Making your voice heard does not mean disregarding empathy or being closed off to others’ perspectives. On the contrary, healthy communication involves active listening, patience, and a willingness to find a balance between your own needs and those of others. By choosing to express your opinions, you demonstrate courage and emotional maturity, but this requires practice - especially if you have been used to avoiding conflict or suppressing your voice out of fear of rejection.
Developing the ability to express yourself assertively takes time and effort. The process begins with small, consistent steps. So, in order to assert yourself, you need to understand your values, needs, and limits. Without this clarity, it becomes difficult to determine which battles are worth fighting and when to step back. What can you do?
Define your values – what is truly important to you? What are you unwilling to compromise on? For example, if mutual respect is a core value for you, it will guide you to respond firmly when you feel you are being treated with disrespect.
Identify your needs – what do you need to feel fulfilled? These can range from emotional needs, such as respect, to practical ones, like personal time. For instance, if you constantly feel the need for more personal time, it indicates that personal time is a priority. Recognizing this need will help you express and protect it more effectively.
Clarify your boundaries – knowing your limits helps you communicate them to others and protect them. Whether in personal relationships, work, or social life, it’s important to know where to draw the line between what you accept and what you don’t. For example, “I can’t take on additional tasks outside working hours.”
A simple exercise is to reflect on moments when you felt frustrated, ignored, or overwhelmed. Ask yourself: “What triggered those feelings? What boundaries were crossed? What need was not met?” By identifying these aspects, you can start to define your values, needs, and boundaries more clearly.
Develop your assertive communication skills – assertive communication involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, needs, and opinions in a clear, direct, and respectful way, without violating others' rights or compromising your own values. It is about balancing the ability to stand up for yourself while also respecting the perspectives of those around you.
Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements – instead of accusing others, talk about how you feel, what you need, or what solutions you propose. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me!”, try “I feel ignored when I don’t get the chance to express my point of view.”
Be clear and direct – avoid vague statements or beating around the bush. Instead of saying, “I don’t really like what you do sometimes,” say “I feel uncomfortable when you use your phone during dinner. I’d love for us to spend this time talking to each other.”
Practice active listening – engage consciously and empathetically in conversations by maintaining eye contact, using open body language, asking open-ended questions, paraphrasing to ensure understanding, and providing appropriate feedback.
Stay firm when others try to change your mind – if someone insists on changing your mind, calmly and firmly repeat your message without unnecessary explanations. For example, “I understand you need help, but I can’t take on this task right now. Please find another solution.”
Handle criticism constructively – listen without interrupting or reacting impulsively. Acknowledge the valid points (if any) while clarifying any misunderstandings.
Pay attention to how you express yourself, not just through words, but also through gestures, tone of voice, and posture – the way you present yourself matters a lot when you want to be understood and convey confidence. For example, if you slouch or speak softly and unclearly, those around you may perceive you as insecure. Keep your back straight, relax your shoulders, and adopt an open posture. Speak calmly, in a clear and moderate tone, without rushing or raising your voice unnecessarily. Make eye contact with the person you're speaking to - it shows that you are attentive and engaged in the conversation. You can use gestures to emphasize your ideas, but without overdoing it, so as not to distract from your message. Additionally, a smile or a friendly expression can make your message come across more positively. When your words and nonverbal language align, you communicate more effectively and leave a strong, pleasant impression.
Be open to negotiation – standing your ground doesn’t always mean getting exactly what you want. Instead, aim for an agreement that respects your core needs while avoiding unnecessary conflict.
Turn objections into opportunities – if someone challenges your point of view, use open-ended questions to understand their perspective and find common ground. For example, “I appreciate your perspective. How do you think we can integrate my idea to find a balanced solution?”
Building self-confidence doesn’t come from theory - it comes from action. Each time you assert yourself and defend your stance, you reinforce your self-worth. Try these practical steps:
-start with simple situations – for example, say “No, thank you. I don’t need this right now.” when offered something you don’t want.
-be consistent – confidence builds through repeated assertive behavior. If you set a boundary, stick to it.
-encourage yourself – people often focus on their shortcomings. To break this habit, develop new routines. For example, write down three positive things you accomplished each day. This practice reinforces self-confidence and reminds you of your ability to make decisions and act in alignment with your values.
Standing up for your beliefs, desires, and needs can sometimes be difficult. We all face internal blocks - hidden fears, deep-seated insecurities, or old habits that make us avoid confrontation or undervalue ourselves. While these challenges may seem overwhelming, they are not insurmountable.
If you find it difficult to assert yourself alone, working with a therapist can be helpful. A professional can guide you in understanding the root of these blocks, rebuilding your self-confidence, and learning to express your needs authentically and assertively.
Remember, you deserve to be heard, respected, and valued exactly as you are. You are stronger than you think - use that strength to create the life you deserve!
Dr. Ursula Sandner