From an early age, through our interactions with our parents and the way we were raised, we begin to form a vision of ourselves, others, and the world. When our needs are not met, when we are treated with indifference, rejected, neglected, abused, or feel abandoned, we are forced to create very complex defense mechanisms, which are actually mental programs that protect us from a harsh reality and keep us stuck at that age, keeping the adult part inactive. We end up forming a negative image of both ourselves and the world; we devalue ourselves, lack self-confidence, we are fearful, perhaps we consider ourselves unworthy of being loved, we avoid closeness to others for fear of being hurt, or cling desperately to others out of fear of abandonment or loneliness.
As adults, we seek familiarity in our relationships and reiterate the behavior patterns we learned as children. Often, we will react based on these automatic and unconscious patterns, reproducing those behaviors we exhibited in our own childhood, along with the associated feelings. Often, we will respond from the position of a wounded child, and we, as adults, do not want that. As adults, we want to be in control of ourselves, not allow our emotions to overwhelm us, to be able to take a stand in the face of those who do not respect us, to control our attitude and reactions. Each of us has certain emotional wounds from childhood that are automatically activated when we encounter people who frustrate us in the same way our parents did. When the painful experience surfaces, we blame others for hurting us when, in fact, they are just pressing, intentionally or unintentionally, the buttons that trigger the same emotions and reactions. The one who feels hurt is the unhealed inner child.
This inner child is the one who has accumulated these painful memories, those feelings, and fears we had as children. We have grown up, things have changed, but if we have not managed to understand, integrate, and move past the childhood wounds, they will activate every time we face different situations or stimuli similar to those from back then. For example, the difficulty you feel when confronted with solitude, when you don't have people around to comfort you or ease this feeling of loneliness, or the mistrust that you won't be able to manage on your own, might be a fear of your inner child. If you felt abandoned in one way or another as a child, as an adult you will do everything possible to prevent that from happening again. You will need the company of that dear person, you might feel a brief separation as an abandonment. An adult cannot feel abandoned, only a child can. So, we are talking about a wound of the inner child. To overcome this problem, it is necessary to first recognize that the one who feels and reacts this way is your inner child and that the Adult in you is the one who can offer comfort and safety to that inner child. In other words, you offer yourself what others perhaps were not able to give you.
If you felt insecure in your childhood, if you were abused, if you did not feel affection from your parents, if you were punished for expressing certain emotions, humiliated, or felt responsible for your parents' happiness, it is possible that you still feel those fears and experiences inside you, but they belong to the inner child.
There are certain reactions or behaviors that belong more to the inner child than to your adult part. For example, the need to please others and the fear of rejection or abandonment if you don't do what they want, the fear of trying new things, making changes (which stems from the child's insecurity), the feeling of inadequacy, shame, guilt, as if something is wrong with you, the fear of saying "no", frequent blame and self-criticism, the fear of people, avoiding conflicts at all costs, the fear of abandonment, striving to keep a relationship in your life regardless of its quality, low self-esteem, lack of emotional balance, the inability to set boundaries with others, the fear of authority, excessive passivity or aggression, antisocial behaviors, rebellion, identity problems, competitiveness, or exaggerated perfectionism, and so on.
To better understand how we react and why we feel what we feel, to understand where certain thought, behavior, and relationship patterns that self-sabotage us come from, we need to go back to our childhood, with the mind of the present adult, and analyze the less beautiful aspects of our lives to give them another meaning. To reconnect with our inner strength and gain the courage to move forward, free from the shadows of the past. By starting to relate to ourselves differently, we will rewrite those limiting beliefs that are no longer useful to us today. We will think about what we learned about life from our parents, what we learned about love, or what we learned about ourselves. We will analyze if these inherited beliefs help us or, on the contrary, hinder us from living the life we want. We will learn to free ourselves from expectations and guilt. We will rewrite our relationship with our parents, bringing comfort to the inner child and giving more power to the adult.
Healing the inner child actually refers to recognizing and accepting that part of you that is still scared, that still reacts as when you were a child, that can self-sabotage you, that is afraid to act differently, to defend your desires and values, and being aware of the moments when it surfaces. In those moments, your inner child needs to be listened to, seen, accepted, and calmed, and the person who can do this is you, the adult part of you. We cannot make this part of us disappear, although people tend to repress or suppress uncomfortable memories or painful experiences thinking that if they are no longer in the plane of consciousness, they no longer exist. There is also the idea that accepting the inner child means behaving in a childish, immature, naive manner. But that is not what it means. It rather means accepting and embracing creativity, the playful spirit, and confidence. The child is the one who feels free, curious, confident, eager to learn, explore, play, create, and imagine. When you block the "dark" parts of the child - such as those feelings and fears that come from traumas or wounds suffered in childhood, you also block the bright, positive ones. The adult who is not in touch with their child side is inflexible, rigid, grumpy, "nasty," cruel, lacks spontaneity, and can react unpredictably or exaggeratedly in many situations, especially those that take him by surprise.
Just when you are not aware of what reactions, attributes, and emotional and behavioral patterns belong to the child, you will respond instinctively without realizing what causes these reactions from you. Many adults are like children emotionally and are guided by all sorts of fears, traumas, and destructive emotions, instead of trying to understand where they come from and what they can do to change something.
The idea is not to sit and pity your childhood or blame your parents (after all, everyone does what they know best, with the resources, experience, and maturity they have), but to accept that what happened, happened, to accept that it was hard and it hurt, that yes, you did not deserve to be treated with disrespect, you did not deserve to be devalued, you were not to blame for anything, but now the power is in your hands and you are strong and confident enough to be and do everything you dream and desire.
To be able to free yourself from the "emotional baggage" you carry with you - those feelings of inadequacy, anger, insecurity, shame, and guilt, you have to show your inner child that you love him and that he can trust you. We are practically talking about healing by showing yourself that you can trust yourself, that you are good and worthy of being loved, that you are strong enough to face anything that comes your way. In this sense, I suggest two methods:
Visualization - imagine that your present self meets your child self, when you were five, seven, or ten years old. What is the setting of the meeting? Maybe it is the parental home, the garden, the park, the classroom. Let your mind be free and you will see exactly those images you need most now. Imagine approaching your inner child. What reactions does he have? Is he happy? Is he scared? What does he need at those moments? Ask him. Talk to him. Observe if he wants to hug you, if he has something to tell you. Offer him the safety he needs. Make him feel listened to, seen, understood, loved. The purpose of this exercise is to connect with your inner child, to observe what he needs, and to offer him those things.
The letter - Write a letter to your inner child. Below, I will provide such an example, but it is important to write what you feel at that moment, to let your mind be free, not to censor yourself in any way to allow even those aspects hidden in the unconscious to come to light.
"My dear child,
I am writing this letter to assure you that I love you and will love you unconditionally as long as you are part of me, as long as I live. I see you, I feel you, and I accept you, the scared one, the abandoned one, the hurt one. I'm sorry it was hard for you and it hurt. I'm sorry for all the moments when you felt betrayed, misunderstood, unloved, ignored, minimized. I'm sorry for the fear you felt when the grown-ups didn't know how to be truly grown-up. I'm sorry you felt insecure, alone, and sad. I'm sorry you blamed yourself when it was never your fault. I'm sorry for all your wounds.
Today I am here to tell you that I love you, respect you, listen to you, trust you and your voice, honor your inner world, and embrace you with all my being now. You are the most wonderful creation of the Universe and your soul lights up the path of the adult of today. You are the power that does not doubt itself, you are the creativity that is born from love, you are the strength of yesterday that enriches today the mind full of doubt of the one who does not believe.
You were always perfect as you were, good enough, beautiful enough, just enough... regardless of what those around you might have told you. I don't ask you to forgive anyone if you don't feel like doing it, but I would be happy if you understood that it was never your fault. They did what they knew best, as much as they could. Now you are not alone and you no longer have to accept anything from anyone, anything that you no longer want, anything that would hurt or humiliate you. See? You are not alone, you can trust that you no longer have to bow your head and suffer in silence. You can rise, rise and spread your wings! Now you can do what you always wanted, now you can have what you always dreamed of. Now you have me and I will help you unconditionally.
It's not your fault for anything. Now, you can trust me. No one can abandon you anymore, no one can hurt you anymore. You will always find support, acceptance, and protection in me. You are my vital breath that colors my existence, you are the one who makes me want to play, to enjoy, to laugh, to run, to paint, to dance. You are hope, confidence, sincerity, joy of living. And for all this, I thank you. You are priceless in my life because with your help I have become who I am now.
Despite the years that have passed, when perhaps I forgot about you or could not look you in the eyes because I was too afraid of the suffering hidden behind your sleepy eyelids, I want you to know that I never forgot about you. I'm sorry if I, in turn, I ignored you out of fear of facing my own pain. But now I understand that you were never to blame and that there is no reason to ignore you anymore. I know you want to trust me, to have the confirmation that, no matter what you do, I will love you, honor you, and accept you still.
In your innocent child's eyes, in your scared child's eyes, in your tearful child's eyes, I reflect my fears now, fears that I can now face. Because, you see, my dear child, now I have nothing more to fear, now I understand that your fears, my fears, can be faced once I assure you that it is okay to feel fear. Because fear is a normal reaction for the child who felt alone in the world, helpless, abused, hurt. But that child is no longer alone now. And he will never be alone again. Now you have me, the one who loves you as perhaps no one else has shown you. I will always be your protector.
Forgive me if I rejected you, forgive me if I ran away from you. Now we are reunited and I thank the Universe for that. Now you can free yourself from your oppressors, from the voices that told you that you were not good enough as you were, from the fear of making mistakes, from the fear of being punished, from all the thoughts that keep you captive in a prison of helplessness. You no longer have to feel guilty, small, scared. I am with you and I will always love you."
As adults, we need to take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions - for our lives. If we allow others to control us, to dictate what and how to do, if we do not respect our needs and desires, if we do not take care of ourselves and our physical, mental, and emotional health, how can we feel safe, confident, and strong? Our inner child needs the safety and confidence of the adult. To be our own protectors, we must be careful about what influences we accept in our lives and determine what actions are beneficial or harmful to us. To truly know what it means to take care of ourselves and not deviate from our standards.
Let's be our best friends, respect ourselves, love ourselves, and take care of ourselves!
Dr. Ursula Sandner