Feeling rejected or unloved by one or both parents can be an extremely painful experience and often more challenging to heal (though not impossible) because it influences many aspects of your personality, especially your self-perception and your view of the world in general.
How can a parent reject their child?
First, I want to clarify that you can feel rejected by your mother or father even if they did not directly reject you or were not aware that their behavioral and attitudinal patterns could impact you in the way they did.
Here are some examples:
- you had a distant, cold, emotionally absent parent – it's as if they couldn't meet your needs in an empathetic manner. They may have avoided getting too close to you, often reproached you for being too "clingy" or having too many needs (even though your needs were natural for your developmental stage), showed no interest, or seemed distracted in their interactions with you;
- you were constantly compared to others (especially siblings or classmates) and criticized – "why can't you be more like your brother?", "why can he/she do it, and you can't?", "you always make mistakes, why can't you do something right?". These kinds of statements make you feel "wrong", worthless, unaccepted;
- you were not listened to, often ridiculed, mocked, disregarded, your opinion didn't matter, your siblings were given certain privileges that you were not, making you feel disadvantaged;
- one of your parents burdened you with the responsibility of "saving" them, and when you failed to "save" them, they rejected you – this dynamic might work as follows: an unhappy parent, a parent not at peace with themselves and their life, who clung to their child for a sense of purpose, unconsciously relates to that child as a lifeline: "My child must save me from my own unhappiness, from my own lack of purpose." This is certainly impossible because no child can "heal" or "fix" a parent. The child will try, of course, feeling guilty, believing that it's their fault that their mother is unhappy, and subtly, unconsciously, or often directly, feel that if they don't do this, if they don't please their mother, she will stop loving them, won't offer affection, and will reject them. It's a kind of unconscious psychological game where the parent rejects the child because the child cannot meet the unrealistic expectations the parent has of them;
- you had a parent who couldn't stay in touch with their own feelings – avoids or flees from what hurts them, denies or represses their emotions, doesn't allow their expression because they are afraid or don't know how to express them, so inevitably your emotions create discomfort. Perhaps you were scolded or punished for getting angry, perhaps if you were upset and cried, you were told "is that a reason to be upset? I'll give you a reason", perhaps your childhood joy and enthusiasm were too noisy and disruptive, so you learned to repress or not directly express these emotions either. If a child is not allowed to live and express their emotions, they will feel rejected and perceive that there is something wrong with them for having those emotions. Moreover, if the parent does not validate and mirror the child's emotions, the child will not learn to understand and manage them;
- you had a parent who projected their own insecurities and weaknesses onto you – for example, a mother who felt insecure, lacked self-confidence, felt ashamed of who she was, but because she couldn't accept and cope with these painful and uncomfortable feelings, masked them under an attitude of superiority, simultaneously projecting them onto you. What she couldn't accept in herself, she projected onto you and criticized you for, often becoming hostile or aggressive. You may have learned to bow your head in front of her, apologize even if you weren't guilty, try to please her and not upset her to avoid rejection or criticism. For example, she might accuse, criticize, or even humiliate you for being "too sensitive" if you showed fear of something, but in reality, she was the one who felt insecure and lacked confidence. Seeing a certain fear or insecurity in you only reminded her of her insecurity, which she couldn't accept;
- you were frequently blamed and told "you should be ashamed", "aren't you ashamed to...?" – for example, "because of you, I sacrificed myself", "because of you, I gave up...", "because of your behavior, I got angry", "because of you, dad got upset" and so on. It's as if you were the black sheep of the family, always making mistakes, annoying and disturbing everyone, never doing anything right, or being an obstacle or a heavy burden;
- your parents felt obligated to marry because of an unexpected pregnancy – there are cases where the two do not love each other, nor do they want to be together, but choose to make this compromise to raise the child together. If they fail to reach harmony in their relationship, because their differences are too great and they do not develop mutual affection, love, and admiration, they may end up blaming the child for their unhappiness, instead of taking responsibility for their own feelings and decisions. Despite their positive intentions, they may unconsciously reject that child, seeing them as the warden of a loveless, unhappy, or even abusive marriage;
- one of the parents tries to win the child over and turn them against the other parent – such cases exist not only when parents are divorced and one seeks revenge on the other through the child but also when parents still live together but are so divided and hostile to each other that they try to harm each other through the child. For example, the father tries to ally with the child against the mother, to mold the child in his image and likeness, cultivating certain attitudes and behaviors that he knows would harm the mother. Over time, the mother may come to reject the child in one form or another, even though she does not want to. Unfortunately, the child suffers the most, as they need the understanding, love, and acceptance of both parents, not to be a tool through which the parents seek to harm each other;
- the parent suffers from a significant physical or mental health condition that impairs their functionality and prevents them from attending to the child's needs – parental drug or alcohol dependency, schizophrenia spectrum disorders, and other psychotic disorders, depressive disorders are a few examples where the parent can feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for and raising a child, inadvertently ending up distancing, rejecting them.
Often, a parent's rejection of a child does not happen directly (for example, the parent literally abandons you) or verbally – "get out of here", "I wish you weren't born", but indirectly through their attitude and behaviors. For instance, a husband who loses his wife early can become an emotionally absent parent in the child's life for years due to the shock, suffering, and unresolved grief. The child will feel rejected, not because the father deliberately wants to reject them, but because he no longer has the capacity to cope with raising the child, being caught in those unhealed wounds or traumas.
Moreover, persistent patterns of lack of warmth and affection, hostility, aggression, indifference, neglect, unrealistic expectations, unfounded accusations over time can create a feeling of rejection. In essence, when we talk about this wound of rejection, we are talking about long-lasting attitudinal and behavioral patterns.
How does rejection experienced in childhood manifest in adult life?
- low self-esteem, lack of confidence in one's own abilities;
- the feeling that you are never good enough;
- the tendency to please others;
- codependency or avoidance (finding it difficult to let someone get close to you, to open up to someone else);
- difficulty recognizing or leaving toxic relationships;
- difficulty trusting others;
- suspicion towards others, assumptions about what others think of you;
- passive-aggressive behaviors.
It is also possible that due to the rejection felt in childhood, you form a belief like "I can only rely on myself, others are not trustworthy / you can't rely on them / they don't care" and you end up excelling in everything you do to compensate for feeling rejected and worthless in childhood. Even if you want to get close to people or want them to be there for you, it is difficult to trust that they would do that, that they could be there for you.
What can you do now?
Observe how you feel about not receiving the emotional support you needed in childhood, that certain needs were not met, that you may have felt unloved / rejected / judged, etc. It might be repressed anger, deep sadness, a sense of guilt (still feeling guilty and ashamed as if it was your fault that you were rejected, as if there was something wrong with you, and that's why you were rejected). Accept what you feel and don't judge yourself for it. If your emotions weren't validated in childhood, accepting and validating your own emotions can be an extremely powerful tool in your emotional healing.
Take care of your inner child – offer yourself love, care, validation, compassion. Notice the wounded part inside you that still waits to be embraced, accepted, and heard, and be your own parent. Now you have the maturity and skills needed, so give yourself what you would have liked to receive from your parents.
Observe your expectations – do you still hope and expect your parents to give you now what they didn't give you in childhood? Do you expect them to change? Do you strive to win their approval but still face the same attitudes? Perhaps one of the most liberating things is to realize and fully feel that it wasn't your fault that your parents rejected you. You can't blame a child for the shortcomings, actions, and behaviors of their parents. It wasn't your fault, so regardless of what you would have done or not done, your parents' behavior would not have depended on you anyway. Their behavior speaks about them, not about you, it reflects them. Why would you think that now something would change if, in fact, it didn't depend on you?
Of course, there are relationships that are redefined when children become adults, and parents understand and accept this, opening up to sincere communication, no matter how uncomfortable and painful it might be. Relationships can change, and parents can become friends with their adult children, but in these situations, you will no longer feel the pressure to please them in the hope of gaining their approval and validation, nor guilt when you fail to meet their expectations, no matter how unrealistic they might be.
Take care of yourself, be kind and compassionate with yourself – regardless of your past, trust that from now on you are not that helpless child trapped in the same situations, but an adult who certainly has much more power than that child you once were, so it is within your power to change your destiny, to change certain beliefs and patterns. Be compassionate with that child, accept your wounds and what you feel about what you have lived, but take your power back and do everything in your power to heal and create a different future.
Consider changing the way you think – would it help to change certain beliefs? For example, a child might believe they are not good enough and that's why their parents reject / abuse / neglect them. For that child, such a belief functions as a defense mechanism – it would be much more painful and dangerous to believe that the parents, who should provide safety and protection, hurt them "for no reason". An adult who once was that child might still believe they are not good enough simply because this thought became automatic, because they haven't deeply questioned their beliefs, because they ignored all the evidence that could dismantle this false belief. Similarly, certain defense mechanisms that were useful in childhood can now become harmful, real obstacles in our path to growth.
Sometimes it can be hard and complicated to realize all these things on our own, and that's why psychotherapy can be helpful. If you feel you can't overcome certain blockages, don't hesitate to seek any information and help that might be useful to understand yourself better and change certain things. Healing and change require time and sustained effort, meaning active, conscious involvement. Be patient with yourself and, step by step, with determination and perseverance, walk the path of your own healing and personal evolution.
You deserve to be loved, to enjoy yourself and your life – don't let the past dictate your future, tell you what you can, what you deserve and what you don't, but consciously choose, moment by moment, how you build your life from now on.
Dr. Ursula Sandner