Couple power games – part 2

alpha female“A few men have sighed because their women were abducted; most, because no one wanted to abduct them.” F. Nietzsche

In the previous article, which you can find it here  we talked about couple power games and about the types of relationships that "alpha" men and those who want to be "alpha" have, and in this article we’ll talk about men who don’t assume the power that the idea of ​​"masculinity" represents and the consequences of this fact on their relationships.

But let's make something clear about the dynamics of the relationships between a man and a woman. Any woman, no matter how strong or independent she is, as well as the one who seeks to become dependent on a man - whether she has been influenced in her childhood by stories like “Cinderella” or  “Sleeping Beauty in the Wood”, whether she doesn’t want to grow up and to live independently - she wants (consciously or unconsciously) to have a man who has as many masculine qualities as possible: to be upright, dignified, determined, strong, wise, proactive, trustworthy, powerful and so on.  Every woman wants to be able to feel safe and protected by the man next to her. Only with a MAN can a woman really feel like a WOMAN with everything that involves this. Sexual desire (when we talk about a normal sexual dynamics) is based on the attraction between feminine and masculine energy. For a woman to feel sexually attracted to a man, it’s necessary for him to dominate her with his male sexual energy and her to want to submit to this energy. From a sexual point of view and reducing everything to terms of instinct and biology, the man is proactive and the woman is passive, and metaphorically speaking the man is the "sword" and the woman is the "scabbard".

But what happens when a man doesn’t manifest male qualities?

Maybe because they had dominating mothers or due to genetic factors or other kind of factors that marked the development of their personality, some men don’t assume or don’t manifest male qualities. They are passive, with no vigor, gentle, extremely sensitive or emotionally fragile. Some of them will seek in the woman next to them a compensation of their lack of power, and this are those men who are said to be `henpecked`, or they will look for a woman who is like them and they will live by helping each other and compensating one another their inner "voids". This last type of relationship can even be a functional one because the two have similar personalities, beliefs, values, and life visions.

The relationship where the man is dominated by his woman, "castrated" at a psychological level, is a relationship where multiple disfunctionalities may occur. First of all, a man who is not respected and appreciated by the woman next to him or who is constantly criticized, devalued, offended, humiliated will tend to fail in all aspects of his life, perhaps even seek refuge in alcohol or develop various psychiatric and somatic disorders - physical illness. If he doesn’t feel like a man, he can’t assume this role either sexually, which will further increase the frustration of the woman next to him. The woman of such a man will tend to become a hysterical, angry, frustrated person in many aspects, will neglect the way she looks, and if they have children together, she will ally with their children against their father, who will also get to despise him. This woman will deeply disregard her man and will miss no opportunity to make him feel guilty or ashamed of what he is. A woman who has to take on a masculine role in her couple will feel overwhelmed by this, even though at the beginning she liked that man's gentleness and delicacy (the method of winning a woman’s heart used by such a man is very romantic and warm).

Consciously or unconsciously, any woman wants to be dominated, one way or the other, by the man next to her. Often a woman's crises are just a way through which she wants to attract the man's attention and awaken in him that masculine energy that can “bring her to her bearings”. I remember a case where the relational dynamics between the two partners was like the one described in the previous scenario, and she told me a story that clearly shows what she was actually trying to do unconsciously. She was scolding him (as usual), criticizing and humiliating him, and he got tired and had an uncontrolled reaction: he slapped her. At that moment, the woman calmed down and a smile appeared on her lips because, even though he behaved inappropriate, she thought that he behaved like a man. That slap represented for her a symbol of his long-awaited masculinity, a symbol of the fact that he no longer allows her to behave with him in a disrespectful manner.

We bring into our relationships past traumas, our inner voids, the unfulfilled desires and the dissatisfactions, we are looking in our partner what we think we lack ourselves or what we didn’t have in the previous relationship and because of these, we have more or less dysfunctional relationships. Obviously, the best option would be to heal ourselves first, to become aware of our personality and to improve it until we become the way we want, to realize what we want from life and from the partner with whom we want to live and only then to start a relationship. When we are emotionally balanced, independent and autonomous in all respects, we can start relationships where we respect each other, we establish clear limits and interaction boundaries with the other person, we assume naturally the roles we have and we have fulfilled and happy relationships.

Dr. Ursula Sandner

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