Childhood wounds

The responsibility of being a parent is enormous. There are self-aware people, internally rich, balanced in every way, or at least concerned with building this balance. These are people who want to offer love from their abundance, who wish to create and sustain life. It is often said, isn't it, that we should be grateful to our parents primarily for this wonderful gift they have given us - life. Such is the creative power of a person, but this is just one aspect of creation. Thus, these conscious people understand that a child is not to be conceived out of boredom or to serve them in old age, that a child is not a tool to achieve certain selfish goals, and by no means should a child be viewed as an accessory.

There are also people who are at a very low level of consciousness and personal development, people who have drifted through life like leaves in the wind, people who do not realize how certain things have happened to them, people who are not capable of taking responsibility for their own lives, let alone for another's life.

Unconscious people may find themselves suddenly holding a child they are not capable of raising in accordance with the laws of love because, being unconscious and not taking responsibility for their own lives, they will not know what responsibility for another means. Being a parent involves providing your child with all the necessary conditions for development and growth, and this is not a sacrifice, but a basic, sine-qua-non element, a natural and expected thing. Food, clothing, a roof over their head, medical care, access to education - all these are the basic, mandatory responsibilities of a parent and should be understood as such. If a parent reproaches a child for the sacrifices made to provide these things, it means they have not understood well what the "job" of being a parent entails.

A parent who hurts or abuses their child (whether it is physical, psychological, emotional, or economic abuse) is an unconscious and dark being unfamiliar with the language of love, a being who compulsively feels the need to hurt the child because only in this way can they gain some sense of importance and because they unload their bitterness this way. A parent, before being a parent, is a human, and who says that all people are capable of offering positive things? Unconscious people confuse power with force and aggression. Our way of being reflects outwardly in our lives and relationships, and a child's wounds can be a reflection of the parent's inner world.

A child's psyche is extremely fragile, and their inner world can be easily disturbed. A child feels intensely and gives special meaning to the most mundane aspects because they find it hard to filter what happens to them. They "swallow" everything "whole" and live in an intense manner.

Although the child and the adult belong to the same species, they are guided by different laws. The adult, in the eyes of the child, is an alien. The child, in the eyes of the adult, is an alien.

A child is a little God because they perceive themselves as omnipotent. A child shows wisdom because they perceive themselves this way. The parent's role is to guide them to understand which behaviors stemming from this sense of omnipotence are dangerous and which are not. For example, if the child believes they can fly, the parent must explain why it would be dangerous to try that. If the child believes they can become a great artist, the parent should encourage them or allow them to explore their potential. However, if the parent constantly criticizes the child, devalues them, insults them, maltreats them, induces feelings of guilt and shame, thus abusing the power they have, they block the child's potential and cause traumas that the adult later on will have to struggle to overcome.

No one says it's easy to be a parent - challenges exist at every step, but being a parent is neither an obligation, nor a sacrifice, nor a merit. It is something you must assume if you truly desire it.

In therapy sessions, I have met adults who, even at 30, 40, and 50 years old, still have unhealed wounds in their relationship with their parents, who still struggle with certain memories. Fortunately, there are solutions to overcome these situations because people have unsuspected inner resources, but at the same time, it depends on each person how much they are willing to invest in this process of healing, acceptance, and detachment.

I recently started this process with one of my clients. Just as everyone has their own rhythm and style, so do the needs that arise in the process differ. One need of this client was to write down certain memories concerning her relationship with her mother and the words her mother addressed to her, and she wanted me to publish her lines.

I invite you to read below what she wrote:

Ursula, this morning as soon as I woke up, I burst into tears, something that has never happened to me before. I took the laptop and started writing, moving from one state to another - from sobbing to anger and back again. My mind dictated a part of my life story, it's only 1% of it but it's 100% true. "You are nothing but a stinking corpse," she repeated endlessly. If asked my name, this would come to mind most quickly. Who am I? Who is this girl?

She is a girl who believed she was a boy - "You look like a boy, actually you are a boy, just look at yourself, you have no style, you have nothing feminine about you, you are ugly, just look around, you are a scarecrow. If I were you, I would hide because people laugh at you. You are not one of us, you are a gypsy, they should be your family, they must have switched you at the hospital when I gave birth, it's clear, just look how dark you are, can't you see? You don't have beautiful white skin like x, y, you stinking gypsy, get out of here because you disgust me."

She is a girl who didn't know how to eat properly - "Why do you hold the spoon/fork with such disgust, you damned brat, is that how you chew, with disgust as you do? If someone saw you now, what would they say? You would make them lose their appetite and they would break the plate over your head. Who would want to eat with you at the table? Is this how you reward me for giving you food? From tomorrow you won't eat, did you hear? Without me, what would you be, you wretch, what would you be? You would starve, I don't understand who the devil you resemble, no one in our family is like you, you insolent, you are like your grandmother, she is just as bad, you are ugly, don't you ever learn, I am kind to you, is this what I deserve?".

She is a girl who was not allowed to laugh - "What are you doing? Is this how you laugh, you sow? Do you see how you look? You laugh with that wide mouth of yours, have you seen the gypsies on the street? That's how you are, even worse, you embarrass me all the time, is this how you laugh? Can't you see how others laugh? Don't you observe yourself? Don't you realize that others see you and laugh at you, and you don't even notice? How do you look like this? If I were you, I would be ashamed. I can't even look at you anymore!".

She is a girl who was not allowed to be sad - "What's with that look on your face? You think you have problems? You? Tell me who else is doing so well, I dress you? Yes! I feed you, you insolent? Yes! Aren't you ashamed, look at yourself, this is what I get from you, I who take care of you, I who don't even know how to manage to pay the bills, to think about what to give your foul mouth to eat, and you are still upset? You'll see from now on, I've been good to you until now, and still, you are not satisfied, but it will change because I see you don't care about anything."

She is a girl who did not know or was not allowed to speak "properly" - "You speak? Liar! You are a filthy liar, like your grandmother, yes you resemble her, not us at all, look at yourself, aren't you ashamed, don't open your mouth anymore, did you hear? Don't let me catch you speaking again, look at yourself when you speak, shame on you, you don't even know how to speak like normal people, look at others, why do they know how to speak properly and you don't, oh, people laugh at you, better stay silent so no one hears or sees you, aren't you ashamed? You should be! I am ashamed of what others say about you!".

She is a girl who had pimples during puberty - "Look at yourself, don't you see? God, how ugly you are, people laugh at you, don't expect anyone to like you, you are ugly, who the hell do you resemble, but more than that, you are bad, do you think anyone cares about you? When they get to know you as I do, they won't tolerate you because you are bad and ungrateful, cry all you want, it's not enough that you are ugly, make yourself even uglier, look, your face is already full of wrinkles, what ugly skin you have, like you are 50 years old, God forbid, I haven't seen anything like it, do you think others don't see? They do! And they laugh at you! Maybe you will find a man, but don't be surprised, I tell you now so it gets into that filthy head of yours, you will get beaten by him every day, understand? And rightly so, I don't care if he beats you, you deserve it, maybe he will teach you a lesson because my words are in vain, you are not a normal person, but you think I wish you harm, you don't even realize you are good for nothing? Do you think I, your mother, tell you this for no reason? You are beyond help, but I wish you in this life to eat as much bitterness as I have because of you, do you hear? You are nothing, garbage, and even garbage is better than you, you don't know how to do anything well, and you don't even care, right? Whatever you start in this world you can't finish, I tell you because I know you best, don't do anything, try all your life, you will still be worthless, and don't think it's just me saying this, people talk, everyone knows."

She is a girl who studied well - "But do you know why? You owe it to me, you owe it to me because I didn't make you go to the market, to cook, I should have sent you to work for a day, yes, I should have, maybe then you would thank me, I preferred to treat you like a princess, otherwise how would you study? And still, you are ungrateful! I simply don't know what to do with you anymore, when I am no longer here, then you will realize who I was, but it will be too late, poor you then."

She is a girl who didn't know how to sit straight on a chair - "Look at you, how are you sitting? Haven't you sat enough in class at school? It's a pity I wasn't there to show you how they laugh at you, but you, stupid as you are, don't notice, you really don't notice? Do you want to be hunchbacked? Well, I have good news for you, you already are, look how big the hump is already, you are repulsive, terrible, what? I didn't understand, you are tired? Oh, you want to lie down? Don't tell me, but why are you tired, I wonder? From sitting? You insolent, you think this is what life is about, lying down and doing nothing, I spit my lungs out to teach you well and you ignore me, this is what I deserve after all I have done for you, aren't you ashamed, tell me, aren't you ashamed? If I were you, I would hide in shame so no one sees me."

She is a girl who dared to ask her mother if she loved her - "Excuse me? If I love you? You hypocrite, you are insolent again? Aren't you ashamed? Don't I keep you in the house? Who raises you? Huh? Who gives you food? The neighbors? Now you've crossed the line, aren't you ashamed? How dare you ask such nonsense? Shame on you, you are insulting me after all I have done for you? Did the neighbors raise you or me???? Get out of here, get out of here so I don't see you anymore, you ungrateful person, God has punished me with you, you are beyond help, but tell me, what joy do I have in you in this life? None, you only bring me bitterness, you are good for nothing, you understand nothing, I waste my breath with you, you are stupid and people laugh at us, but you know what, they only laugh at you, no one wants to be near you, you are disgusting, they are repulsed by you, and shaking your head won't help, they are repulsed by you, remember well what I say!".

If you have lived a similar story, if the words you read have stirred up your own memories, keep your head up and look forward! You are not your story! You are not your past and you are no longer that defenseless child! Your inner child now needs peace, protection, understanding, love, and forgiveness. Give them all of these now. Give them everything your parents couldn't give you when you were little.

Are you angry? Upset? Do you feel wronged? Find a way to express your emotions and free yourself from the negative emotional burden you carry. Write a letter to your mother or father expressing everything that weighs on you and then burn it. End these situations or relationships and make peace with your inner child.

It is important to learn to view those experiences with detachment as if you were at the cinema watching the story of your life on a screen. And you can do this!

The power is now in your hands!

Dr. Ursula Sandner

P.S. I invite you to share your thoughts or your childhood experience in the comments section below.


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